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that fellowship hug were not things i put together at any time in my life before i came to the rooms. coming from a family were expressions of love and emotions in general were limited and from a time where society sent the message that men were supposed to be stoic and far from demonstrative, i have to admit i was more than a little put off when i got my first hug from another man. i am far and away beyond blaming my family of origin from what i became, and even to suggest that in the previous sentence was more of adding some context to how i was when i got here. the fact of the matter is that i did not know how to love, accept love or demonstrate my love and had quite a ways to go when i commenced my journey into recovery. looking at how i was back then and how i am now, i wonder how it was i had anyone left in my life that cared for me or about me, as i was certainly one cold fish. that was then and this is now and i have learned how to demonstrate all my emotions, give and accept love and see myself worthy of being loved and cared for, and am willing to show anyone who may ask how they may be able to get here as well.
the art of hugging was not what bubbled up to the surface this morning, as i sat. even as i did mountaineering training loop. thinking about hugs was not on the top of my mind. what i heard, before i went to my home group was all about learning to love myself enough to allow others to love me as well. the fellowship was kind to me in this regard and kept telling me i had value and had something to offer, and that something had no limit on it, if i allowed myself the FREEDOM to feel my way through to the next second, the next minute and the next hour. that led to days and as the days piled up i saw that i could be just what they once saw in me, after i removed the decades of detritus i had piled upon myself, in active addiction. their vision of me, slowly became mine, until i was ready to step into my own vision for myself. i am still not on hundred percent sure what that vision may be, but i am willing to allow it to manifest by doing the next right thing, which here and now, is to get out and mow my teeny-tiny lawn, while i am still energetic enough to do so. it is a great day to be loved, show love and yes, hug all my peers at the meeting today.

∞ DT ∞