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the core of addiction, at bay, is an excellent focus for this exercise in brain dumpery today. this morning my sense of entitlement is clashing with that of someone else. in fact i have worked myself up to such a state that i am ready to verbally pound them into dust. the fact of the matter is, i have allowed myself to become the victim of the thousand cut torture, each little piece of incivility, self-obsession and over-entitlement by someone else, has been swallowed and internalized to the point that i am quite ready to explode. this is a behavior i walked into the rooms with and certainly one that got honed to a very sharp sword across the course of my recovery,. the sword of my retribution was wielded without regard to collateral damage and with great gusto. just for today, recognizing that i am at the point of unsheathing my weapon, is a good thing, as i can find another way to express myself, without causing the sort of damage i used to relish.
to move forward without moving into this behavior, requires a bit of compassion, empathy and certainly self-awareness. the fact of the matter is, the perpetrator of all this torture is oblivious to to what is going on and part of that is on me, for not stating my needs clearly and concisely. i have allowed myself to drift towards resentment and victim-hood, instead of being assertive and vocalizing my needs and wants. the oh so much easier and softer way, as it were.
that is the self-awareness part. the empathy part? i remember being so stuck in my self-obsession that i paid no attention to the world around me. i was blind to the needs of others and expected them to make allowances for me, not the other way around. when i was in the way of someone else, i mumbled the words of a far from sincere apology and went off grumbling about what an a$$hole they were being. did they not realize who i was and what i needed to do? so what if i was blocking their progress, it was all about me and mine. not that my version of Torquemada is in that place, it is, however, up to me to remember who i i was and allow others to figure it for themselves. instead of punishing and pounding, perhaps a bit of tolerance and forgiveness is needed on my part and opening a conversation in a calm and rational manner about what i find odious about the situation, rather than attacking and burning the relationship down to the ground, just because that is the way i have always done things.
what i am reminded of this morning that i want and what i need., may not be the same thing, in fact, most of the time, they are not. when i get into this state it is certainly a case of self-centered, self-obsession and the end result is that i can use the support of my peers, my friends and my loved ones, to get out of this quagmire, or i can blast myself out with a tactical nuke. today i choose to get out and do my little workout and see what comes to me across the course of that quiet time. hopefully it will not be a priming of the apocalyptic destruction.
A quick update: the workout removed the hate and bile from my system and i am good to be fit company for kings, queens and all who cross my path today. it seems like pushing myself to my physical limits is not a bad way to remove the feelings i do not want to change or feel.

∞ DT ∞