Blog entry for:

for me to make my life less complicated. some of the time, when i choose the seed for this little exercise in mind dumpery, it is actually the seed for what i used to start my 11TH step practice, today is one of those rare times, where what started with matched what i am writing about. today, i feel that i need to simplify and allow the world to pass as it will, and perhaps, since i am locked down to 10 minutes away from my computer, i can just be.
i keep thinking i have let go of my anger and resentment over the event that proved how freaking powerless i am, at least in respect to my employment, and then i get nasty and feel put out when asked to do my job. at times i can hide it, others, well, it is more than obvious and i suck at even pretending. the truth is, i may be pissed at the corporate masters who sold me without any prior notice or any input from my side and blocked me from staying with them. it was either go, or find a new position, SOME CHOICE! oh i understand why they did it and why that particular choice, my skills helped “bump” the price up, because my new corporate masters could and would continue to support the product lines and customers that came along in the deal. truthfully, this has got me off my fat a$$ and into resharpening my skills and seeing what it is that may be waiting around the corner for me, perhaps a return to Boulder or a development position.complicated and twisted, that be the path in my head today, and when i get down to what really is important, all it is , is another job.
that is where the reading kicks in. yes i have all sorts of complicated feelings about who i am, how this will affect my day to day life and what i need to do. desire once again, rears its ugly head and entitlement kicks into high fVcking gear. i want, you took, so fVck off and die! not exactly a spiritual path to be following in my life or in my workplace and certainly not in my relationships with friends, peers and loved ones. no siree bob, not a good path to follow at all, so perhaps, maybe, i need to take a bit of medicine and write out the assignment that i have been given ⇝ over what am i powerless today? certainly a simply spiritual path to follow. after all, working steps is part of the suggestion made by the reading this morning.
a sort of a tangent, something popped into my head as i sat down to eat a bit of breakfast and it has to do with those members who drift away and never get seen again. i know i often express disdain for them, as i have come to see them as i see myself ⇝ an addict through and through, and perhaps that is not the case. some come to the rooms, beat-up and are physically addicted to a substance. staying clean and hanging with the peers, gives them some breathing room, gets the substance out of the physical and mental selves and they begin to see that yes it was the substance that was the issue. i miss many of them, but do they really belong here, once they return to a state of not being physically addicted? probably not, although a few do remain, because they like the other benefits of being in active recovery. others leave because they cannot accept what it is that the fellowship is offering ⇝ socially or spiritually. others, well they just lives they deem “good enough” and move into those. me i am just a garden variety addict and need not look any further to a solution. i have a life i once dreamed about and the ability and often the desire to whine about the petty little problems that having that sort of life seems to bring, such as being sold by one mega corporation to another. i forget that i have friends, who are homeless, unemployable and unable to consistently find nourishment. they know where to find me, but for them, using is an option they choose and i know for me, i could also choose to use. would i end up in their situation? maybe, i am really no different from any of them, just a bit more diligent in maintaining my membership in the “no matter what club.” which brings me back around to the topic today, ⇝ a simple way to make my complicated life, a little less so! it is a good day to be clean and see if i can sneak out for a couple hours form the chains that bind me ⇝ work-wise, not life-wise.

∞ DT ∞