Blog entry for:

of lots of hard work and a new willingness to communicate. a ha! one may come to believe that i am going to pick a single line and go out on a tangent here, just because i chose to use the bit about relationships, to start a post about footwork. sorry to disappoint, as i chose that line as an illustration of the point, and not the main event.
so onward dear fiends into the breech.
yes, there is footwork in recovery. although the reading suggests that wanting something for nothing is an trait of an addict, i would argue that it is part of being human, just something that i as an addict has taken to an extreme. i seem to know all sorts of so-called normal people, who try to get something for nothing, as well as try to get away wqith this or that, to ascribe this trait to people like me, is a disservice to us, and establishes part of the bias that society in general has for us. that is however, a topic for another day. for me, getting something for nothing was a HUGE part of my life, especially when i seemed to get away with it. with that sort of overarching attitude in play, is it any wonder that i came to recovery, expecting that i could continue in the same vein? honestly, i knew relationships took hard work, new cars required showing up for work and putting away some money and that no matter how much i wanted something, there was always a cost involved. knowing that intellectually did not stop me from feeling entitled to GET everything for nothing, after all, now i was clean where the fVck was my reward! time and again, in those early days, was i sorely disappointed that the world did not fall at my feet and tell me how great it was, that i had stopped using for a minute. where was the love, the career, the self-esteem and the material success, i saw so early on? i certainly was not getting my fair share. the worst crisis came at about 13 months into my clean time, when i had already decided that the program i was working was not working for me. i really was different than those drunks, and what they were selling, i had long since stopped buying, it was only a matter of time before i would take that fatal first one and start my descent back into the hell of active addiction. good thing for me, i had hooked myself socially into another fellowship and when i was attending what i believed to be the social event of the season, i was given a different path to explore, by those who were not in denial about what they were. maybe here, i could get what i wanted, especially since i had already worked all twelve steps and had over a year clean time, the women, the money and the glory was all i wanted. and yet, it would be a great deal of time, before i earned any of that. i had to get a sponsor. i had to actually work steps and allow them the time to work me as well. most importantly of all, i had to learn to surrender to what i could not control, let go of what i could not change and learn the wisdom to seek the knowledge of the difference.
here is sit today, writing this before going to a job i actually want to go to, driving a car i bought with my won money, sitting in a house that i got a mortgage for, getting ready to depart on a vacation that is already mostly paid for, and and knowing that all that i have, is the result of a program of active recovery and the footwork i needed to do to achieve this. all that i am today, is the result of my past experiences, including the effort i put in, to do what i was told and get what they told me i could get. yes i do have loving, equal and healthy relationships, as well as more than a few sick ones. the sick ones are changing into healthy ones, or being discarded, as that is what i was taught to do., once again back to the footwork theme.
i am grateful that i have a path to all the things i desire, all i have to do,. is the work needed to get them, one day and one step at a time. so farewell to Colorado, the next time i post this, i will probably be in the desert southwest, deciding what pair of shorts i want to wear today. :)

∞ DT ∞