Blog entry for:

a path to a better way of life, however, to realize it, i must do the footwork. in other words, there is no such thing as a FREE LUNCH.
this morning, i had a notion as i sat and listened. what if i decided to return to the notion that i was ENTITLED to the support of my peers in recovery, even if all i did was vomit all over them in meetings, and worse vomit the same old shit, time after time. odd as it may have once seemed to me, if i want love and support from my peers, i NEED to be loving and supporting. if i want friends, then i need to be friendly and if i want to get out of the patterns that make my life intolerable, then i need to work on changing the person at the center of those patterns through the process i have been given.
i was going to talk about one of my peers, who has become someone i try and avoid even acknowledging exists.each and every time they open their mouth to share, i cringe and my mind snaps closed. the sad truth is, in this case the only thing they seem to have to offer me, is a picture of who i was and who i could be, IF i decided to live in the insanity that can mark my life. as i get a few days past my 60TH birthday, i realize that the relic of insanity are still visible in my life. despite having emptied out a drawer of receipts and deposit slips going back 8 years or so, i am still stuck with a bit of financial janitorial work to do. despite having a job i like and a career path that offers opportunities, i realize that my time is limited ion the workplace and i have very little set aside for my future. i have allowed myself to sink into a state of disrepair, justifying and rationalizing away my health and living what seems from time to time a secret sort of life, indulging in everything. the regrets of how i lived, just are piling up this morning, and it was the impetus of that anniversary of the day i entered the real world that is driving this bit of self-immolation.
what came to me, as i sat this morning, is that i could whine about how things never worked out for me, OR i could move forward with my plans to live whatever days i have left to the best of my ability and start taking the steps to clean-up the messes i have avoided for so long. two weeks ago, i put one of the messes on the radar and <BOOM> now i have until May 4th to clean it up. i MADE the decision, it is true. what i was hoping was that i could slide under the radar for a few more weeks, months or even years before i had to deal with my mess, even though i was more than certain that a deadline would be presented and i would have to sh!t or get off the pot, as it were. now, at least in my head, i want to whine about being victimized by life making decisions for me. well guess what, i volunteered for this and just as i was told way back int the day, IF i want what other may have, THAN i NEED to do what they have done. today it is hopping in the shower, heading down south to work and being present for whatever comes my way. i may want to liuve in a fantasy world, even when it feels like a nightmare that i cannot escape, but the fact is, today, i find in unacceptable that i am a victim of myself and it is no longer Groundhog Day in my life.

∞ DT ∞