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seems to be my modus operandi. i seem to be more like water and seek the easier softer path to my final destination, rather than the mountain goat that climbs ever higher over steep and rocky grades to get feed itself. i seem to need to get hammered into submission, rather than just seeing what is and accepting that as my path. it is true, i want all the gifts and not do any work, that is just how i am. i am not unlike our departed house guest in this matter, and at times i am recalcitrant, lazy and whiny about how i am so victimized by the part of me i call addiction.
i often go down this dark path, not because i live here, but because it is an honest assessment of who i am. i find myself doubting the truthfulness of my peers who are always sharing the sunshine and wondering what that are hiding. among the reasons for me entering that place, is my own experience. i used to be the “yippiest-skippiest” person in the room and i shared at every single meeting i attended. between the time i got clean and finally became a member, i was a “ray of sunshine” in the “clean and sober” rooms, going on and on about how i loved doing the footwork, when in actuality, i was barely phoning it in. i wanted everyone to pat me on my back, pin a medal on my chest and give me a certificate of completion. i did everything i could to foster the image that i was “all in,” when i was just marking time. the result of not taking the path set before me, was i ended-up in a room thousands of miles away from home, with a bag of my favorite dope, waiting to be shared with a using buddy. a path i would not recommend to anyone else.
this morning, as i walked the dawg and as i sat, i realized that if i WANT what i seem to keep getting, than i NEED to keep doing what has brought me this far. i no there are no medals, parades or telethons to show appreciation for what i do on a daily basis, and you know, that is not a bad thing. the footwork for this addict, includes being honest on both sides of the street, when i share. keep up my daily maintenance. and choose another day. allowing myself to give those peers of mine, who seem to be stuck playing Suzie Sunshine, the benefit of the doubt, will certainly go a long way, to fostering my sense of what is real inside of me and how far i am willing to go to work a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞