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and years of working the steps and living life on life*s terms, i still may not have everything i DESIRE in my life, but that does not mean i need to stop and whine about it. yesterday was certainly the tale of two meetings day and the amazing part of that little slice of time, was the lack of difference between what i heard. what i hear is hardly ever what my peers intend for me to hear, when they share, that is just a fact of life. one of the themes in both of the meetings was the notion that achieving a milestone in recovery, SHOULD come with certain, definable rewards, such as balance, serenity and a bit of wisdom on how to hack one's life. i am just as apt to go to that exact same place, and can disguise a whine in a mantle of gratitude with one or three HUGE caveats. this morning, as i struggled to settle in and listen, what i squeaked through the noise about what i had to accomplish at work this week, as not the gratitude of being clean and having some of the results of a program of recovery, but rather, the notion that i do NOT have everything i DESIRE and that lack of fulfillment IS more important than preserving what i do have. in short, i still want more, MUCH MORE! the problem is, i do not really want to put in MORE work, after all where is my reward for doing this gig, day after day, for decades on end❓❗
this morning, as i put down in words, what i often do not want to express, i hear the petulant spoiled brat coming out in loud and very clear tones. the fact that i still EXPECT results without doing the work, is indicative of how much further i need to go. it is not unlike the fitness program i embarked upon the day before my 61ST birthday. IF i want to be in shape, i need to do the freaking footwork and asking for a digital fitness assistant, will hopefully provide the motivation when my desire wanes after a few days of doing the whole “i want to get fit” gig. i am however, in the weeds at work, and need to get myself motivated to get down there. as i come to the end of the time i have to put into words the notions that float through my skull,, there is one parting shot that has popped to the top of the stack: perhaps i am not as sick as i want to pretend to be, after all, i understand the consequences of most of my actions and as a result can CHOOSE to accept them, or as the case may be, whine about how awful they make my life and why have i not learned to stay out of those situations, after all…

∞ DT ∞