Blog entry for:

i want it all, i want it now, and i am going to pitch a fit if i do not get it, oh yeah and i will show you guys, i just use! before anyone gets too butt-hurt, that preceding little snippet of petulant frenzy was not anything i was quoting, form any of my peers, past or present. that is just a bit of hyperbole, based on what i once felt. yes, i wanted everything i saw that the members had and i was no very patient about anything, much less waiting until i had a bit of clean time and some steps under my belt. in fact, the basic reason i chose my first sponsor is that he had everything i wanted, a life, a relationship, a career, money, a new car and a Harley. ironically, these days, i have everything but the scooter, and i no longer have the desire to have a high powered motorcycle. it was not very long, after i got clean, that stuff started coming into my life, in fact, once i stopped spending my time and resources on dope, it was amazing how many toys and distractions i could accumulate. as a result, it should come as no surprise how much debt i could rack up, once i had a credit rating. that is still a bit of a mess that i am still cleaning up.
nevertheless, here is sit, a few days clean, and i have a life that makes me think of that Talking Heads tune: “Once in a Lifetime.”
“and i may ask myself, well, how did i get here?”
i got here, by doing what the rest of those members and my future peers did, i surrendered to the fact that i was an addict and my life such as it was, was quite unmanageable. my desperation may not have evident to me, back in the day, but it was certainly there and certainly needed to be addressed. i do not speak of bottoms or triggers, as i have come to believe that is what will make me different. i reached a point in my life, that i was almost ready to do anything, and for eighteen months i tried to alter the program or programs, in my case, to fit my life. after some clean time and a huge pile of consumer debt, i finally cam to the place that i need to be, HOPELESS and DOPELESS, and the FIRST STEP finally took hold of my heart. ironically, that was the first time i ever “felt” the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, instead of trying to interpret it. it took nearly another fifteen years for me to reach that spot again, feeling that will, and here is it today, certain for the first time in my life, that i DO have the desire to be more than just another junkie.
do i still want and think that i DESERVE MORE? of course i do, but i also realize that i am not entitled to get more, just given to me. no matter what, i have to stay clean today. no matter what, i have to do what i have been doing. no matter what, i have to research what it is i need to do, to get what i want today. and maybe if things fall into place, i will get what i want, as i already have everything that i need.

∞ DT ∞