Blog entry for:

is FREEDOM from the bondage of self-obsession. what i GOT was a path to becoming something more than just another addict. the steps, by and large, have shown me that the chains of my oppression were mostly created by me and that those shackles could be removed by doing the work, as suggested by my peers and my sponsor.
way back when i first was trying to decide whether or not i was willing to live the life of recovery, what i wanted was freedom from the norms of society, so i could act as i wanted to and not have any consequences. getting clean was a means to that end and was never meant to become any sort of long-lasting lifestyle change. my self-obsession was at an all-time high and getting high with impunity was my short-term goal. the last thing i thought would happen would be any sort of change of heart and certainly not decades of abstinence. the taste of FREEDOM from a desire to use, was not what i expected and was something i came to savor. here i sit looking back on where i came from, and wondering exactly what it was that i was seeking during all those years in active addiction.
after coming through a very troubling four months of watching the decline and fall of my Dad, i now know that if i had not got clean and learned to live a program of active recovery, i would have never been able to be present, loving or kind as he started his long journey into night. i might have been able to go through the motions, but i would have never “felt” any empathy, compassion or grief, as there would be a little something, something that could whisk away any of those feelings. this morning, after a frustrating afternoon where i got exactly half of what i wanted to get done, completed, i know that still have a ways to go, to be freed from self-obsession. i know that as a son, i gave him what he needed and found the ways and means make the decisions that i would have preferred not to make.
i know this morning i did not “kill” Dad and choosing to bring him home, instead of allowing him to waste away in the hospital was a kindness to him. he may have lasted longer if i had allowed him to continue down the medical path and he might have survived another round of invasive procedures and surgeries. the fact is, the infection in his new hip, killed him. i can second-guess myself and fantasize about what may have been, but today, i accept and own my part in his demise and i am sad that it came to this ending. my job is to pick up the slack and allow myself to make the living amends i have committed to making, even if i am barely willing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞