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to reach my destination, however, i must do the footwork.
sometimes i still want something for nothing, i do not know if this a function of being human, or perhaps a function of being an addict. it really does not matter where the desire for something for nothing arises from, the answer is the same, do the work!
okay, i could stop there, after all i am in total agreement with the reading today, and perhaps anything i write from here on out will be a rehash of what i have written before, nevertheless, onward i forge.
what am i willing to do right here and right now to further my life in recovery? a very interesting question and one that i have to answer on a daily basis. every day, today included, i am presented with a myriad of choices and decisions. some of those choices involve recovery-based activities, such as daily inventory, prayer and meditation. those three activities are something i have come to be very grateful for. they seem to have become my cornerstone in this process. do i consider them footwork? well now that i mention it, perhaps they are. those activities keep me from going off in directions that i would regret, and that regret is based on the gratitude for what i have been given some sanity in my life, the ability to love and be loved, a conscience, a warm place to sleep and the means to keep myself from starving. not exactly the kind of gifts that one thinks about, but a direction i find myself drawn in more and more.
so back to the question, what am i willing to do today to get those things in life i most desire, those things that eluded me in active addiction and those things that i see other members having and i still covet? well if the past couple of weeks are any clue, certainly not any step work, i guess i am happy living in the world of my character defects and actually becoming willing to have them removed hardly seems a worthwhile endeavor today. certainly not go to a meeting if the past couple of months are any indication, after all the only thing i have been getting from meetings is angry. and most certainly not work with any newcomers, all i have been getting lately from that piece of footwork is excuses about why using is a better choice than recovery. or maybe, just maybe, i could leave my cynicism behind, open my heart, and practice a few more of those things that have allowed me to stay clean and grow. no i am not content to wallow in the shit of my character defects and yet i still find something to do, other than step work. no i am not content to miss out on the recovery that happens in our meetings and yet all i can do is find fault. no i am not content watching the parade of relapse kings and queens, that just cannot get it, yet all i can do i surrender and be grateful that i choose to live in a different manner. so it seems that it all comes back to the spiritual principle of surrendering to the fact that i am an addict and if i want to be more than i ever was, i have to do the footwork, DAMMIT!
so what do i take away from this little piece of writing this morning? the choice of what i get is up to me, all i have to do is the footwork and the outcomes may be exactly what i most desire.

∞ DT ∞