Blog entry for:

that fuels my recovery grows, becoming ever more important in my life.
this could be one of those higher-powered entries, where the shock and awe of how that POWER is expressed in my life is interspersed with a heavy dose of gratitude. or perhaps it could be a history lesson in my tortured path to getting to where i could see that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is in fact my own true will for myself. or maybe a parroting of the fellowship party line about how important the act of developing this relationship really is. what i think i will do is a combination of all of that and yet maybe not take any of those topics on directly as what i am typing is just beginning to form up in my heart and my head.
i was just commenting last night that the ELEVENTH STEP has become my favorite STEP, just a tad more than the TENTH STEP. i did not always feel that way for all sorts of different reasons, the biggest is that developing any relationship takes work, and basically i have found, that i am spiritually lazy and avoid anything that even sounds like work. i am so comfortably smug, that i can even rationalize away the need for such an effort, even after the piles of evidence that i have accumulated, shows that for me anyways, the spiritual path is not theoretical and produces concrete, measurable results in my life.
as i think about my plans for the day, i foresee a very angry and disappointed sponsee, that may of may not meet with me this afternoon. things are not going his way in any sense of the word. i was part of that process as well, as i detached myself from taking responsibility for his stuff. i know in my heart that was the next right thing to do, and i am seriously considering letting him stew in his own juices until next week, however, that does not, at this moment, feel like the next right thing to do. as the day progresses i will allow myself the freedom to alter my plans to fit my intuitive sense of what to do next. yes, developing a relationship with the POWERS that fuels my recovery has moved me out of the “first thought, WRONG” club, most of the time. i can start to listen and yes even trust my intuition and sense of what is right and what is wrong, as a result of the step process. when someone says i must be a better man than they are, the truth is, I AM! i am not better because of anything i have done, except apply the program to my real life, to the best of my ability. in fact i am a better man, despite myself. it is the POWER that fuels my recovery, through the mouths and eyes of my peers in recovery, that has created the person who i am today. certainly an new and improved model. that metamorphosis is available to anyone who choose to follow this path and develop a relationship with a POWER that can fuel their recovery, as well. when i say that to my recalcitrant and petulant sponsee, i am sure he will continue to be pissed off about the hand he has dealt himself. that is what it may be, or i could be totally wrong. what i know is this: that it could be me, sitting in jail, being pissed off, lonely and resentful because my life has been squashed by the consequences of my actions and nobody seems to care about how much it affects me!
anyhow, speaking of the next right thing to do, it is time to shower off, and hit the dusty trail to Boulder, and oh yeah pay attention to what i hear as the next right thing for me to do.

∞ DT ∞