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okay, i am one of those who has come to believe that a HIGHER POWER is not something i need to possess. in fact, i have come to believe that i am OF a HIGHER POWER and I a HIGHER POWER, but that does not make it mine. if that sounds confusing, do not worry about it, as it is a concept that is hard to understand, but quite easy to live, at least for me. just as many of the notions put forth by the fellowship that has given me this life, the paradox is that the simpler i make my understanding, the easier it is for me to accept. it is not my place in this little exercise, to change anyone else's mind about how their worldview of the profane and the divine. with caveat out of the way, i can dive into what has popped off the stack, since i woke up and asked for the power to stay clean, just for today.
i got an 8K run in yesterday, covering a full 10K, but walking the first and sixth kilometers. i am pretty sure i will be able to pound out all 10 kilometers in two weeks when i do my Boulder on the Run Race, out in Firestone. on Friday, i read my biopsy report, and the news did not seem to be all that hopeful. before i write about what may or may not happen with me, i think i will allow my urologist to discuss the pathology findings with me. of course, since i am such and “optimistic” sort of person, i went directly to wondering when i could have the surgery and cancer treatments and how i was going to squeeze those in between vacations and before my current job goes away. the next thought that came popping in, is why should i do anything to improve my fitness, if i am going to die, anyhow? i might as well, drop into a serious hedonistic lifestyle and make sure that everything i have the desire to do, i just do, after all You Only Live Once. over the past few days, i have come to accept that until i have more information, i might as well live as i have been living and see what the DR says tomorrow afternoon. hence the 10K+ workout yesterday and 4 miles today.
so exactly is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as i seem to be getting more loaded down with stuff that is “hard” to handle. am i being “tested” to see what it would take to get me to use? is my recovery being “tested” like Job's FAITH, as part of some cosmic wager? as germane as those questions may feel, at least to me, i cannot allow myself to dwell in that house of pain. for me to get up and be my best, i have to have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide mew the opportunities to get all that i need and has very little to do, with the shit-ton of life on life's terms i have been experiencing. what is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery? i have no clues and have stopped trying to figure it out. i am pretty certain that part of that will, is for me to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞