Blog entry for:

as i continue to work the steps, that relationship grows, becoming ever more important in my life.
so a follow-up on my public commitment, i DID start the sixth step process yesterday and i am not cowering in a corner waiting for the next shoe to drop. in fact things are a whole lot better on my internal landscape than i would have thought, so much for fearing the process and exercising my self-will at least in this regard. so what in the world does meeting a commitment have with coming to align my will with the will of my HIGHER POWER? well for one, this is something i have been resisting, even though all that i have been hearing lately is my fellow addicts talking about working their sixth step, reading about in in text studies and seeing signs in my life that i am actually practicing a less than spiritual manner of living. so what do i do, ignore, divert and justify building a denial system to counter my belief system. what a lot of shit and i am write in the middle of this. ;)
yes the typo is deliberate and i even laughed at my own joke, so it goes, that might make the list, not th ability to use a bit punnish irony, but thinking i am funny. or maybe not.
so back to my developing relation or perhaps better put developing my relationship with my HIGHER POWER. it has been my experience that the longer i try to circumvent the process by sitting on a step the less developed that relationship seems to become. i once again start to believe that i actually have some power, and that perhaps everything i attribute to the care of a loving HIGHER POWER can be achieved by my force of will. that path is a dangerous one for this addict. so what did i discover this morning as part of my daily meditation? well for one, i NEED to spend some time every day working on my step work for now. that i NEED to listen more to my gut and my heart and less to my head. my head will almost always tell me that i am on the right path, when in fact i am going in a direction that i am not willing to travel. so here ii am writing a step before the pain of doing outweighed the pain of not doing, but that threshold was about to be upon me. now for one of the few times in my recovery i did not allow myself to cross that line. what does that mean to me? well for one, i can see it as evidence that i am getting better and with that evidence start to tear down my latest denial system. and best of all work on my developing relationship. that is what it is all about after all!

∞ DT ∞