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as i become more GOD-centered and less self-centered. ironically the seed i used for this exercise a year ago, was what was ringing in my head as i sat this morning, so of course i do not want to **look** redundant, boring and mundane, so i grabbed a different seed for this exercise this morning.
when i first encountered this line, way back when, as i struggled to change sponsors and find a path through my remaining steps. i basically ignored it, as at that time it made no sense to me. even today, i sometimes stop and wonder WTF do they mean when they speak of true will and how is it any different than self will. i will not pretend to have any answers to that little bit of a mystery today, as i have just come to accept that true will, at least fr me, is doing what i “feel” is the next right thing and self- will is all about what i “think” i need to do next. not sure if that works for anyone else, and i am quite sure that it does not need to.
so when i get all obsessive about the ground hog day addicts i see in the rooms, and want to say shut your fat-assed piehole, i know for certain that is nut my true will for myself, their self-will need not drive mine, no matter how annoying they may be. what my true will is, more than likely, is learning to a spiritual lesson of some sort. it saddens me that there are some in the rooms who are only here because it is the only place they can command the attention of more than one other person. moving from anger to tolerance to pity seems to i “think” i should be going. i, however feel that it needs to be anger ➽ tolerance ➽ empathy, because i too was once an angry addict who only wanted to be the center of attention and hold the room hostage as i spewed my vile shite all over the members who still could put up with me.being a member of the shock and awe club, earned me no “brownie points” points nor did it ever foster my recovery journey. i was just the same, only i put up a much better front and learned quickly to hide my little tactical nukes under a pile of clichés and slogans. what bothers me so much about this, is that i allow myself to give away so much personal power to someone who is oblivious to the fact i am doing it, yes the whole drinking poison to make someone else die paradigm.
what i see as even more ironic this morning, is a comment a peer made to me yesterday, that they could not imagine me being the way i described when i had a mere thirteen months clean. it is not the first time i have run across the disconnect between what someone sees now and what someone would have seen back in the “once upon a times.” it is not that i have become some sort of spiritual giant or recovery guru, as evidenced by my continuing obsession with the groundhog day shares i hear at meetings. what i have become is different and most certainly better. the move from selfish, self-centered obsession to something different did not occur overnight, nor did it just auto-magically happen, because i came to meetings, spewed my crap and proceeded to ignore what everyone else had to share. that transformation, occurred because i started to see that IF i wanted to be something different, i had to recognize the nature of my insanity and allow some POWER greater than me, to work in my life. i had to write steps, shut my fat-assed piehole and learn to actually listen to what my peers were trying to tell me. i had to learn to become more than i ever dreamed was possible and allow a recovery process to take hold. life in recovery is certainly different for me these days-and that difference is the result of what others helped me to see within myself. i have a path to follow and although i am far from certain what is around the next bend, i know that, just for today, i can let go of self and be part of the world around me.

∞ DT ∞