Blog entry for:

personal decision, just for today. yes, i make all sorts of decisions in the course of my daily life. the one decision i stumble over, time and again, in my locked down life, is allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to actually care for my will and my life. i want, what i want and i want in NOW. allowing myself to surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER, was never, ever going to become part of who i am, and yet. when i walk in self-will, time and again , i see that once again,. i am not even coming close to fostering my growth into the man i have always wanted to be. before i go further down the rabbit-hole about how bad i am at allowing that POWER to care for me and denying my need to live a THIRD STEP, i will stop and give myself a very small break as i transition to what i really “felt” this morning.
living life in the will of that POWER, is a goal i strive for each day. none of this i am doing the best i can jazz hands here, i am sincere when i say that i my goal. some days are better than others. being locked down and doing my best not to emerge from quarantine as a “chunk,” has given me more than enough time for introspection. what keeps coming up, at least for me, is anger and anxiety, as i wonder when i am going to get back to a “normal” life. this is where the whole “mysterious ways” musings begin. what exactly is the plan here, globally, locally and personally. are the lizard people emerging from hiding and the dark state creating a world that i will loathe to be a part of? as i go off on that tangent, the only thing that reels me back in, is that i DO have the means to be rational and i still have the ability to discern what the reality of life in a pandemic world may look like. my FAITH in the recovery program that has brought me this far, gives me enough HOPE, to take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and align my will to that of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i could continue to live in FEAR, or i could just surrender and accept that i can get everything i need. DESIRE, is a cruel mistress and prevents me from being whole. i can accept, at least right now, that my desire to stay clean and live a program of recovery, includes allowing my will to align to the will of a HIGHER POWER, just for today.

∞ DT ∞