Blog entry for:

based on principles and ideals that have real value in my life. namely the ability to put the needs of others ahead of my own desires, at least today. so over the past few days, i have been responsible to take care of a dawg for my sister. while, it usually is not a big thing, i am up at the butt-crack of dawn most days. this morning, after being awoken to the crack of thunder and the pounding of rain, i went back to sleep and only woke up when our little Daisy started to get uncomfortable in her kennel. after letting her out, i realized what time it was and ran out of the house, to take care of Xena the warrior princess, as it were. i did not meditate, have my coffee or read the news of the world, until i came back home, and as a result, i actually felt good that i could be present for another, long before i was present for myself. so it goes, it seems the longer i stay clean, the better decisions i make, even when they are NOT the decision i want to make at the time. one decision i am going to make, right here and right now, is:

THANK YOU KATHY, for staying clean for 13 years.
i am so grateful you walked into the rooms and into my life
you are a miracle.

okay that being said, back to the whole decision making process based on the spiritual principles of the program. ironically, when i shared at the meeting yesterday that i was put-off by the stuff that smacked of religion, when i first came to recovery, what they heard and what i meant were two different things. yes, the GOD stuff was at the very forefront of what i did not like, but that was not the REAL problem. for me the problem was the whole set of spiritual principles, which have been around forever, that religions teach as ideals to live my life by. words like Responsibility, Integrity, Honesty, Selfless and Faith were the REAL problem, the God stuff was just the GOD stuff, something i could deal with, if i had to, but not the deal breaker. no spiritual principles, were what tripped me up, because across the course of my addiction, those were things to look like i was doing, but actually practicing them was something i saw for the weak and feeble sheep that were my prey. yes i did favors for others, but there was always a string. yes i took responsibility for the quality of the job i did, but only to the extent that influenced whether or not i would retain my employment. spiritual principles, were the smoke and mirrors that allowed me live like i wanted to, without the rest of the world finding out, what my real agenda really was. for the most part that worked for me. when reality intruded, well there was a fix for that, and if i had to fracture a spiritual principle or two, well rationalizations and justifications, took that pain away. when i got busted? well a bit of self-righteous indignation, a little bit of spin, and blame-shifting, and i could walk with my head high and get away with that stuff one more time. in fact, my whole world involved getting away with as much sh!t as possible.
of course, nothing lasts forever. now here i sit at the end of my 16th trip around the sun, clean, and i am not nostalgic at all for that way of life, nor for the man i once was. yes, i am grateful that i can set aside my desires to take care of the needs of someone, or something else. today, i can do something good for myself as well, and make decisions based on how well they adhere to the spiritual principles that have become part of my life and not how well they align with my instant and insatiable desires. speaking of which, i guess it is time to shower off the past 25 hours or so and get on with what i need to do today. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞