Blog entry for:

that have very little with getting what i feel that i am entitled to get are more evident in the choices i make today. one of the principles i struggle with, and no this is not one of those exercises in self-abasement and self-deprecation, is this sense of entitlement that i walked into the rooms with, way back when. i know i was taught to share, but i am not sure how that concept morphed into the world NEEDS to give me my fair share, after all i am owed that. the sense of entitlement that i went into active addiction with, was far from diminished by the time i walked out. in fact if anything, getting what i mine was more strongly ingrained in me than ever before. not only was i “owed” certain things, i was entitled to justice in the grand scheme of things as well. the rat bastard who squealed on me, to save his own neck, deserved to burn in hell with his male parts being crushed in an enormous vise, for eternity. how dare that f*cker drag me down into his world. yes there still seems to be a bit of anger, bitterness and resentment here. maybe this will be the year i will be grateful for the person who started me down the path of recovery. one of the gifts that i have received is i GET to spend my life with another addict in recovery, just for today:

Kathy Mc,
I am grateful you chose this nut case.
Congrats on NINETEEN (19) years clean!

moving forward into living by a set of different values today, i must admit how surprised i was with what i felt when i described how i would like justice to be served. here would be the “woe is me” portion, stating that i am far too “sick” to be seen in “polite” recovery society. sure i still have some feelings around how i got on this recovery trek, BUT those feelings no longer need to rule my life. i can let myself feel those feelings, but i need not blow up my life because i am angry about events that happened over twenty-three years ago. the values i live by today allow me to forgive myself for having a bit of toxic waste left in my psyche. the values i live by today allow em the FREEDOM to move along and find the next right thing to do.
i am not sure if justice will ever be served in this case, or at least to my burning satisfaction. i do know that i am fortunate that i got mercy and enough of a jolt, to change the trajectory of my life. i am not afraid that someone i ratted out,m may still be out there looking for me and i do not have the justice system in my life anymore. i GET to look for a different way to live and that path comes through the values i have been taught by my peers.

∞ DT ∞