Blog entry for:

to make wise, loving decisions as a responsible, productive member of my community. quite honestly, i have been living as a defective character than responsibly productive member lately, this too shall pass, and this morning i am not going to beat myself up about it, i am who i am, and it is up to me, to allow myself the freedom to stop reacting and start living.
the reading this morning is a telling one for me, as when i finally got to the rooms, i was all about rationalizations and justification and ant values i still made a halfhearted attempt to adhere to, were quickly dismissed as irrelevant for any situation.
anyhow before i head out to see if i can live this stuff, just for today:

12 years CLEAN, what a miracle
Kathy, i am so grateful you are a part of my life and my recovery

so off to the trenches i go, perhaps i will write more later, or not, whatever way the wind happens to take me

∞ DT ∞

so to break with a very bad old habit, i have decided that certainly more than i can and will say today. as the dog food cooks, and yes i cook for our dawg Lucy, which in and of itself is certainly a telling sign of how far i have come from the using addict i once was, i think i can say a bit more, in context with what i have experienced as the day was filled between the first posting of this and now.
One thing worth commenting on, even though it looks worthless, sh!t does have value, as much of the rest of the world uses it for fertilizer. Also, it is also pretty incredible that I can tell someone that I have time for them, all they need to do is call. i am more than sure, that when I was out there, the only time I had time, was when I wanted something and even then, it was given quite grudgingly. lately i am getting more and more glimpses of who I want to become and that person is not Mother Theresa, although I would like to be more like her, no that person is a caring, empathetic human being, with warts as well as shimmers of a halo from time to time. A person that has depth but is able to let go and allow the universe to march at its own pace. A person who is fun to be with as well as serious when he needs to be,. A well-balanced individual who can live a recovery program in the here and now, and not have to wait until the pain is to great to stand it anymore. All of that and so much more beyond my ken at this time, is who i see myself morphing into, and the only way I know for that to happen for this addict is to keep on doing what it is that got me to here today.
So enough Pollyanna, life is good, I need to get some things done and I am quite sure that something is waiting for me to post this and move on, more than lilkely the research and new skill I will be learning this afternoon.