Blog entry for:

for my actions. from time to time, well instead of coaching that in softer terms what i really need to say, is most of the time, i want to find a way out of taking responsibility for my actions. when i got here, taking blame was something i did my best to avoid, and would not do so, unless there was an immediate payoff, or i was so busted i could not wiggle my way out of it.
even though i have been clean for a few days,. i still want to fall back into that default response and NOT take any responsibility for anything at all. for me, this is the whole “first thought wrong,” paradigm, that my peers often talk about. staying clean and working a program does not guarantee anything but the chance for me to do it all over again tomorrow.

Kathy Mc,
SIXTEEN (16) years clean today.
I am glad you came into my life
and showed me how to be more than i ever thought was possible!

now that the shout-out is done and i can concentrate on what is going on inside of me, let's get back to accepting responsibility for my actions and how hard i work to avoid doing so. i see it in my peers every day and i often wonder how they can get away with it, avoiding responsibility. what i come to realize is that if they do or do not, it really does not serve me to be jealous or envious of their behaviors, as my wiring has been altered just enough that deflecting my responsibility create a dissonance in me that can only be resolved by going back and owning what i did. the default quip or action, while still in my repertoire of behaviors, ends up causing me more pain and turmoil than it is worth. what once felt like the next right thing to do, has ended up becoming something to avoid at all costs.
while i generally accept responsibility for my actions, even when doing so, i can wrap it up in all sorts of rationalizations and justifications. stealing a car, becomes i borrowed a car from a friend after he passed out. paying someone less than i agreed to becomes, i did not make any money on that task anyhow. demanding someone's attendance at something all about me, becomes it is only an invitation. and the list can go on and on. what it illustrates is that even when i want to take responsibility, my default behavior is to choose my words carefully so i come out looking better than i am feeling.
as i work this 12TH STEP and start to look at how i carry the message and if i practice these principles, it can be an exercise in self-abuse, after all, one of my character defects is perfectionism, which stem from a the FEAR of not being good enough or worthy. wrapping my failings in pretty packaging allows me to at least pretend to be better than i am, until i get found out and my covers yanked. even though most of the time, i do not care how others see me, i really do deep down inside. what was once a part of my daily behaviors and reactions, is now just deeper down and less used by me on a daily basis. accepting responsibility somehow validates that fear of not being good enough, in the world view i entered recovery with, all those days ago. today, i can let go of how i saw the world and walk forward into my day. it is a good day to be clean and and yes, accept responsibility for being a self-centered a$$hole, as i am apt to be.

∞ DT ∞