Blog entry for:

the values i have acquired as a result of living the program, are restoring me to the world of the living.
alright, let me call a spade a spade. i can hardly call the principles i patterned my life around, values, back in the day. the reading soft pedals that perception a bit by calling them rationalizations, but they were what they were, unprincipled tenets to live by, “anti-values,” rather than values, as i knew somewhere deep down, that what i was doing was wrong, and just did not care. before i really get rolling:

Congrats Kathy Mc
the Love of my Life
14 years (5113 days) of recovery
Thank you for staying here!

anyhow, yes anti-values and moving into a value-based life. honestly, i really did not think that i was that bad, back in the day. i only boosted car stereos from very upscale cars, always returned the merchandise i lifted off the shelf, and only stole from relatives and other junkies. so i did not see myself as a thief, what i saw myself as was some sort of Robin Hood who stole from the rich and gave to the poor, poor me! when i lied, i did so, by selectively presenting the truth, to make you believe what i wanted you to believe. when i leeched on to someone for their resources, be it money, sex or drugs, i told myself i was entitled to so that, because after all, they apparently knew who the fVck i was. for me, yes those are rationalizations, but that sugar coats what they really were, they were the gateway into spinning down deeper and darker into the throes of active addiction. they were the tools i used to live in denial about who i had become and to allow me to be arrogant about what i was doing. for me, back in the day, there was absolutely no shame in what i was doing and when there just might be, well relief was just a dose away.
amazingly, all of that came to a screeching halt, six thousand one-hundred and ninety-nine days ago. even though i did not believe i need to change what i thought, and who i thought i was, i did need to get my a$$ out of the legal sling i had put it into, and the only thing that looked like my path out was the program of recovery i started to attend and the values i started to pay lip service to. time and steps later, well i see who i was through an entirely different light, and like Dr Manette, i have been recalled to life, although i can be triggered back into those old days and have to do something compulsively and obsessively, to protect myself from what i could become. yes, i know where the road to relapse will lead me, and none of the three alternatives i see in men i have sponsored, who have decided that it is a good thing to use, are desirable to me today, cobbling shoes would be quite a relief from the final spin down.
yes, i walked into the rooms, with attitude, defiance, a pocket full of excuses of why this COULD not work for me, and enough anger to carry me through my first set of steps. as shallow as they were, they kept me clean, got me to the fellowship that dealt with people like me, and put me on a path that has led to me becoming a productive member of society, instead of a social cost. it is as it is, and the time has come to shower off, and get some breakfast at the TWO DOG DINER, with the love of my life.
is there anything else that needs to be said? only this. today, as the reading suggests, i am grateful for the values i have been given and my ability to be more than i ever was, back in the day! it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞