Blog entry for:

the more i find the power and direction once so sorely lacking in my life. interesting, the more i give up on trying to control my life, by surrendering self-will, the more power and direction i get. certainly not the most intuitive ides, at least in my little and narrow way of looking at the world, but as i sit down and let that concept sink in, i see that it is not only possible, it is probable and evidence abounds to bear out that conclusion.
before i get rolling a Merry Christmas to all that celebrate this holiday, may yours meet your expectations. i will be writing a few letters today, to men, who once again are spending their holiday season as wards of the state. they are deserving of the time it takes to write a letter and when they get it later this week, it may brighten the otherwise bleak existence behind the walls. not that matters when it comes to my self-will, it is however important when i start to work the notion over in my head that maybe this time, it will be different. yes my road, more than likely, if i start to use again, will be through county jail and into prison, of that i have very little doubt, and yet, there is the part of me that thinks that somehow things have changed. to dispel the notion that i control my use of anything, that i have any power over addiction, all i have to do is look at the example of the two men, i will be writing as this day progresses. they are my examples of what self-will brings to my life.
for me self-will is a prison of sorts and only when i give up my notions of control and power do i achieve freedom. that is what i heard this morning and that is where i need to go as i continue down this particular track. lately, i have had the feeling that maybe i can create a bit of chaos in my life, and i will not have to suffer the consequences. anyhow, i started down one path and decided against going there. i see that my life is way better than i ever thought it would be, and after a year in the work place again, i have started thinking that maybe i need something more. more money, more respect, more responsibility and yes more power. as a result, i took a few things into my own hands and the results, while not bad for my employer, trashed my personal relationships at work. yes i got away with something, but as i go over my behavior, it is no longer something i am happy about. there will certainly need to be some cleaning up of my side of the street come next Monday, dang it all, just because i needed to topple the cart just a little bit.
once again, i went to that place of dont you know who the fVck i am? so anonymity, is certainly a good goal to strive for today.
i need to shower and shave and prepare for the day ahead. it is a good holiday and an even better day to be clean. i will do what i can to live in the world without creating a wake of damage and pain behind me.

∞ DT ∞