Blog entry for:

than i am, that is more than just me, my name, myself...
well Merry Christmas, the most commercial and pagan of all the religious holidays here in the WEST. to all my friends and readers, who ascribe to Christianity, may this holiday season bring you the joy and peace you have always hoped for and to everyone else, enjoy your days off, and hopefully you spent every cent that BIG INDUSTRY and GOVERNMENT wanted you to spend, to help your local economy on its merry way.
jibes and snarky asides being done, on to the real meat of this exercise. living a life bigger than i am, or better put bigger than what i think i am or ever was. something i heard at a meeting the other night is still ringing in my ears, and what i heard was one of my peers saying that their life was not perfect. on the surface, that rings quite true, but in light of what i am feeling today, maybe not so much.
when i contemplate my life and what it means to have a perfect light, i begin to wonder what criteria i can be using to cast such a judgement, and where does gratitude and yes anonymity come in to that equation. once upon a time, nothing in my judgement could be perfect, there were always flaws, and my life and myself were among the most flawed of all. today, as i consider my life through the lens of selflessness and anonymity, i see that maybe, just maybe i am perfect and so is my life. ah, i can hear the jaws dropping now, give me a few minutes and i will explain.
when i was growing up, long before i picked up for that first time, i already felt broken, different and certainly very, very flawed. when i picked up, from the very start, all those flaws disappeared in the haze of chemical bliss and for the first time in my life i felt whole, complete and yes even perfect, instead of an “also ran.” growing up, after that first experience, was no longer part of the equation and i could quite easily dismiss or ignore the parts of my not so perfect life and survive. moving through the fog of twenty-five years of active addiction left me ill-prepared to face life on life's terms when i finally came to, in the rooms of this fellowship. fighting with my entire being to disqualify myself, due to be so less than perfect, the first few years of this recovery journey, created within me, the same angst that getting high combated for all those years, and i was certain that i would never amount to anything after all. in fact there were times, when i seriously considered if it was worth the effort at all. well, a few days later with a few step cycles under my belt, i can see that today i am perfect and my life exactly as it is, is perfect as well. no i have not had all my charter defects removed or morphed into character assets, but i see that they are who i am, today, right here and right now. if i accept that i am the best version of myself i have ever been, than it follows that therefore i am perfect. with that as a premise, than my life, with it warts, problems and travails, is also the best it can be right here and right now, hence it as well is prefect in this moment. so with that simple change in criteria, i can reasonably argue that i am living a “perfect” life. when i feel that, there are certainly two ways i can go, either lord it over my less than perfect peers and associates OR live quietly and namelessly in the satisfaction, that i have done all i can do today to be perfect and enhance that perfection. that does not mean that i stop the journey and rest on my laurels, as tomorrow is another day, to once again step out into the real world and be perfect again. in order for me to maintain that state of perfection, i NEED to do all sorts of stuff, that all springs from my decision to accept that i am an addict, i am powerless over addiction and i need outside help to stay clean today. this perfect life only continues when i DO NOT USE. i get to be well-paid for a job that i enjoy doing. i get to have a house and people who love and care for me, and for whom i can do the same. and i get to become a better version of the perfect me, once again tomorrow. all of this leads to a greater sense of peace and self-acceptance and a detachment from how others judge myself and my life. once i disconnect from your attitudes and judgement, than i grow in that nameless selfless person, that actually has something to give away.
my Christmas gift to all of you, is the sense that just as i am learning to detach from the force that has driven me for the longest time, my NEED to be approved of by all of you, so you can as well. i am not without my flaws, my eccentricities and bad habits, but they who i am today, and i am quite perfect, right here and right now and can leave what i need to do tomorrow, on the table for tomorrow. when i allow myself to look at what i am, instead of concern myself with what i COULD become, i am left with a sense of peace and certitude that no amount self-talk and spin, can destroy. i am focusing on my recovery journey, today and allowing whatever POWER that fuels my recovery, to illuminate my life.
it quite a perfect day to be clean!

∞ DT ∞