Blog entry for:

for personal gain, prestige and influence has certainly been a part of why i do things for as long as i can remember. only in the past few years has it been diminished to the point of being practically non-existent. i am quite certain the limit of how close i get to nil is a function based on how well i live an active program of recovery and get over my bad self. on this Christmas day two-thirds of the way through my social obligations on this holiday, i needed a break and a bit of time to consider where i am going and where i have been. i already got busted forgetting the fact that on of the men who call me their sponsor is going to have twenty years clean tomorrow and i did not get a “fresh” bright and shiny token of that celebration. it is a good thing that i have one of mine with which i am willing to part.
ah, be that as it may, what i think i remember “hearing” this morning was a flashback to a year ago and how i was attempting to deflect the self-will of another through the powerful application of my own self-will. in the end, i finally surrendered to the fact that even if i had “won” and there was a chance i might have pulled it off, i would have lost a shit-ton of my self-esteem, once the gravity of my behavior was revealed to me.i in the long run group conscience foiled that march of self-will run riot and all the work and manipulation they put into creating something that was too fragile to stand on its own, was truly a waste. it makes me sad that what was a great idea got corrupted into something that was far from anything useful or worthwhile and for a change i was not the person driving that boat over the falls.
what is left for this day? making a side dish for my family get together later this afternoon and recovering form my bout of materialism and gluttony. i am certainly glad i ran my 10K this morning and have most of my laundry done, so when i return this afternoon, i can veg-out and watch some football. i am also glad that i took my sponsor's suggestion to step back into more “anonymous” means to serve my fellowship. i get the opportunity to see men who may or may not ever “get” recovery, no matter how adamant they be right now. i get to be part of my home group and to live in the light of recovery, rather than the spotlight of notoriety. i got to admit, there was some payoff to living in that limelight, but it quickly faded and i regretted putting myself into that place. just for today, i serve on the down low and do my best to do the next right thing, especially when no one is watching. 😁

∞ DT ∞