Blog entry for:

of selflessness, has always been one that confuse the lining sh*t out of me. it is not as if i do not understand what the word means nor is it that i am resistant of merging who i am, into group of my like-minded peers, to focus on carrying a clear message of HOPE, to those who are still suffering. no, what confuses me is, how can i **be myself** without asserting who i am. the one thing i am fairly certain of, at least for this addict, is that my ego did need a bit of “right sizing” when i walked into the rooms, and the way those who were here when i got here, pounded that notion into my head, with very little kindness, patience or tolerance. over time, i came to see that ego was not really the problem, is was DESIRE that drove me.
oh yeah, for those of you who happen to be celebrating a holiday today or this week, my sincerest holiday wishes for all: May This Holiday Season Bring You Closer to Those You Love and Cherish.
learning to become a part of something greater by stepping back from who i think i am, is certainly a worthy endeavor. i have heard it said by many of those who have lost the HOPE and FAITH that this program can work for them, that they can do it for themselves. they look to material and romantic success as indicators that they have got it going on, and yet resist the notion that what has worked for countless others, when it comes to foiling addiction, is the manner in which they need to go. what i see, is that those who come back after a “fall from grace” are the ones that need to salve their bruised egos by turning the notion of clean-time does not equal recovery, on it's head, stating that they have had “recovery” during their periods of clean time and that was not lost, just because they had a “slip.” i would have loved to use that intellectual slight of hand to excuse my misbehavior, even if i have never used since before i became a member. the fact is, nearly all of my less than stellar crap, comes down to my DESIRE to be seen as something i am not.
which brings me back to the top, when i let go of my DESIRE to have my peers see me as ”bigger and better,” and live in a fellowship as just another member, i get the opportunity to hear and feel what my peers are trying to tell me, by seeing how they live their lives. it is true i have been clean for several thousand days in a row, and yet i am just doing this gig on a daily basis. part of being selfless, at least in my not so humble opinion, is being there so those who are unsure of the way, do not end up coming back homeless, on a borrowed bicycle with their worldly possessions in a large garbage bag, if they make it back at all. if i allow myself to be o0ne among many, my message is more likely to resonate with those who need it most, just for today.

∞ DT ∞