Blog entry for:

help me understand the principle of anonymity; help me to live selflessly. sometimes, this is quite true for me, surrendering my will and my life so that i can live without name and selflessly. other days this is the exact opposite of me, wanting all the control for my will and life and DAMN the consequences. most days, and this may not be all that shocking, i live in a state somewhere in between these extremes, often vacillation between the two with such regularity, that it feels as if i am a pendulum in a vacuum. what does any of that mean in the grand scheme of things, well not a whole fVcking lot, just that i am human, oh yeah, all of those human traits, are magnified because i am in the fifteen percent of the population who are addicts. in my experience, all of the character traits associated with being human have been warped and amplified by the part of me i call addiction. this whole selfless gig, swings both ways, an AC-DC sort of life depending upon how i feel about myself. the weirdest part of this swing is that it all comes down to the exact same feeling, how worthy and esteemed i feel about myself.
SICK -- SICK -- SICK…
…BUT GETTING SO MUCH BETTER!
this is how it works. so i have a bout of feeling inferior to the those around me -- to feel better about myself i brag about my great and good deeds, to any and all, expecting them to heap praise upon me, thus stoking my ego and diminishing my feeling of inferiority. or i am feeling inferior for some reason or another, mostly because of a bit of shame or guilt coming up and i just want to fade into the furniture, after all i am such a sh!t that i do not deserve the warmth of human companionship. then of course i can fee superior, after all, no one knows what great and good deeds i have done, and as long as i keep them to myself, i am living a program so much better than they are, and my guilt and shame are diverted elsewhere.
what a reading like the one this morning does for a twisted soul like me, is give me an escape clause and a path to better living through spirituality. by owning all of that as the truth as i know it today, and opening my mind that it need not be the truth forever, that there is HOPE, i can defeat that part of me, that has my demise as its primary purpose but will settle for a whole lot of alternatives that do not necessarily kill me right off. i surrender to the fact that i am an addict and ask for the power to stay clean and thrive from the POWER that fuels my recovery and you know what provides me with the opportunities to get all that i NEED.
so a bit of work, cook a dish for the family celebration and then meals on the road as we go between all the homes to celebrate this holiday with our loved ones today. i am grateful that i have this opportunity to be a part of those lives as well as allow them to be a part of mine -- AS EQUALS.

∞ DT ∞