Blog entry for:

different, and united. okay, this fine and very chilly Christmas morn, before i dive into what i heard this morning, i have to wish all who may celebrate this season with any fervor, a joyful and merry Christmas day. for me, it is a day off without pay and one that has several social encumbrances attached to it. i have grown up to a point where i need not fret and fume about what i “have to do” and see it as an opportunity that i “get to do.” part of the celebration last night included one very lonely person, who has done everything they could to “buy” their way into the family. as sad as that may sound, if he actually let go and found the ways and means to live, he would certainly be a part of, rather than apart from, what he most desires. i know this from my own experience as i often told myself that i was better off alone and that did not mean i was lonely at all.
to get back on track, way back when i was struggling to get clean and through my phase of mere abstinence, i was certainly one of those who used every teeny-tiny perceived difference to separate myself from those in the rooms and disqualify myself from recovery. it very nearly worked and if i had the sword of the justice system hanging over my head, i would have used that trip back east to live the life of a using addict and enjoyed every second of it, telling myself that i was not an addict and that i had been good long enough that a little bit of over-indulgence was my due. coming back and embracing recovery, seemed to be my sole alternative but my prejudice and bias did not leave me with my first honest admission that i was an addict and that i was powerless over addiction. that is still a work in progress, but one i that has come a very long way from those very first closed-minded days.
these days, even when i start to judge how “different𔄣 some one may be, in experience, appearance or attitudes, i can stop and consider if they just may see me in the same less than stellar vein and if i need to let go of what i think and accept them for who they are, in that moment. i am far from the model of a “recovering addict,” and am grateful that i finally came to that conclusion. as a result i can take in the experience of my peers, especially those who are dissimilar to me and grow as a result of me opening my minds to their point of view. i may still disagree with what they seem to be saying but in this fellowship, my experience has been that there is only one absolute and that is to stay clean, no matter what. the paths others may follow, would not have worked for me, but perhaps, they truly require a path that is less harsh and prickly than the one i found that led to me writing this little exercise, decades later. BTW, i do NOT deserve to be happy, but i do DESERVE the opportunity to stay clean and live a program of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞