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and direction so sorely lacking in my life.
before i get cranking along on this topic, Happy Holidays, to all those who are celebrating one, as i know many of you are today. may your FAITH provide you the strength you need to find gratitude for all you have been given.
yes i lumped all the holidays together, as that is who i am. not being a religious type, i feel acknowledging each and every holiday that are currently being celebrated a bit redundant and patronizing. me, i celebrated Christmas Eve, last night with family and will break bread as i celebrate Christmas day with family and more family. it is all about family and gratitude for me, and yes i got a set of VR Goggles that work with an iPhone, so i have a material gain to be grateful for as well. more than anything else, i am grateful for the gifts that recovery keeps on giving me, which include the ability to be a welcomed part of a family.
back to power and direction in my life versus unfettered self-will. this always brings up a bit of a sore point for me. namely free will versus self-will versus surrendering my will and my life into the care of a Higher Power. so after a quick trip to the ER, actual not virtual, i am back at this: self-will ➫ free-will ➫ selflessness, and i am more certain now about what i am going to write than i was an hour ago.the argument goes something like this: if i allow myself to become selfless, without name or identity, how is that any different from the anonymity i practiced in active addiction? the argument continues that If i lose my identity in the fellowship, how can i actually participate in my active program of recovery and my journey into becoming the person i truly wish to be.
the hyperbole in those questions is amazing, here i am worrying about becoming some sort of fellowship, recovery automaton, when the reading was actually speaking to me about letting go of being a “big fish” in the very small pond of the local fellowship. the selflessness that is being referred to, is the selflessness of doing the next right thing, even when no one is watching or keeping track, and not go spouting off about how selfless i just was. the last part of that is where i run into “issues.” sure, i live a program, and most of the time just automagically do the next right thing, long-term active recovery sees to that. when i have to stop and consider, that is when i want ti be recognized for how fVcking spiritual i just behaved. after all, i could have chosen (free will) to do something less than spiritual (self-will). the desire to be recognized, get lifetime achievement awards and platitudes of gratitude for all my great works, is centered in ego and self-will. i want to make a name for myself and stand out from the crowd and that desire has yet to be removed from me and perhaps it never will. that battle between recognition and selflessness, will be ongoing for a while more, of that i am quite certain. i NEED reading like this one, to remind me that although i may be looking at the universe from its center, literally speaking, i am not the center of the universe, figuratively. when my free will tends toward self-will and i am in dire need of someone, anyone saying what a great person i am, then i know for certain it is time for a meeting. today i am well and in the midst of a moment of being grateful for what i have and more than grateful for what has been removed. time to take out some recycled wrapping paper and post this little ditty for all the world to see. it is a good day to be without a name, but i certainly am not ready to give up my ego, i guess i will keep coming back.

∞ DT ∞