Blog entry for:

i start living a life that is bigger than i am, that is more than just me, my name, myself -- i start living the principle of anonymity. well this is one day where i am hardly a faithful correspondent. i cannot make excuses for why i have or have not written across the course of time, nor i need to, i can say this:
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!
okay the niceties are out of the way and time to move into the meat of my thoughts this morning. it came to me, as i sat and quietly contemplated, that i seem to read a different book than many of the people i know in recovery. i look around me at those who have more clean time and those who have less, and i seem to be on an entirely different page than many of them,. it is like i landed in a land where the language sounds like mine, but all the meanings of the words have shifted slightly, so what they say, sounds like what i am saying but what they mean is entirely different than i what i understand the meaning to be. it was like this once before for me, way back when i was first getting clean. i got from the morning meditation exactly what i got and it was often so out in left field that i would walk away from a meeting based on the reading scratching my head. i now know that i was incapable of really hearing what was being said, back then, because i was more concerned about looking like i was in recovery, than actually living a program of recovery. so based on that experience, as i think on what the state of namelessness means to me, on this bright and sunny morning, what i **HEAR** is that i am part of the whole, and it is important for me, to be a part of the process, not the driving force, nor even the squeaky wheel that needs to be oiled. i am responsible for my recovery, and part of that is to respect all of those with whom i come in contact whether they are just posing or not. i have experienced what it means to be a poser in recovery, and i understand how far it took me from where i needed to be. i also have experienced what it means for this addict to think he is a big fish in a very small pond, and that is a direction i need not travel again either. where i am going in the long run, is really irrelevant, where the fellowship is going in the long run is also irrelevant. my ideas, my passions and my energy will not be co-opted by someone with an agenda any more, i will add them to the mix, participate in the process and give freely of what i have, letting go of whether or not the gifts i am offering up are accepted by the greater whole.
i can contribute this morning without having to be recognized, i need not leave a mark on the world to feel better about myself, as i am coming to see that such marks are fleeting at best, and yes it is nice to be the **flavor of the month**, or the member everyone loves to oppose, but such antics are no longer appealing to me, at least this morning.
so i am certain i have rambled on about not much of anything for long enough, i do need to go burn off some holiday goodies, before and after the fact, so happey holidays all, and to all a good night.

∞ DT ∞