Blog entry for:

can not make it any more valuable than it already is.
yes i see all of the irony in the fact that i am writing about being anonymity and recovery and posting it on the interwebs, in a very public manner. let loose the rationalizations and justifications!
seriously though, posting about my feelings, my impressions and yes the fact that i have some clean time, certainly looks like i am bragging, boasting and generally shouting from the highest hill, that i am in recovery. i have stumbled across this issue before, and today, i am willing to look at it once again. the way i see it, wait for it, is that my ramblings, on a personal website, gets lost in the din of all the noise that is the internet, these days. i do take a bit of caution of minimally disguising which fellowship i claim membership in, and try to obfuscate the people, peers and fellow travelers, that i may have an issue or two to address with here and now. here i get the freedom to tell others how fVcked i think that they are acting. here i get to tirade about how soft and mushy i see the fellowship getting. here i get to tirade against recovery thieves, slogan slingers and literature parrots. here i get the freedom to express ideas and concepts that i will not or do not express in a meeting, because there it is all about creating an atmosphere of recovery. here it is all about me, and yes as self-centered and self-obsessive as that sounds, here is where i get better. if i make it to the meeting tonight and choose to share, of course i will say, why yes recovery is its own reward, and when i say it, i will mean it. i really do not want a medal for another day of not using, for paying my bills, for going to work, for being present for the people i love and with whom i share my life. that is all stuff, most of the other 85% do without thinking about it. as strange as that sounds, accolades for getting up and being responsible, is still something i feel i am entitled to, every now and again. after all…
there are certainly times, when i wonder if being clean is truly reward enough. there are moments in every day when i want to turn to the so-called ‘normies’ that are part of my life and say ”WTF, you are lucky i am not beating you over the head and stealing all that you have, do you not realize who and what you are dealing with, here?“
because i do take the principle of anonymity quite seriously in my professional life, they really do not who the fVck i am. one of the rewards of recovery is that i blend in with them, more and more every day, but this wolf amongst the sheep, knows what he could become once again. part of keeping who i am on the down-low, is protecting myself from them, there is after all, certainly more than a bit of bias and prejudice against addicts within society. today, as i grow to look more and more like the other 85%, i can be comfortable, that carrying the message just mean, living life as a member of society and adding value with my presence, rather than sucking the world dry, like some self-entitled baby, stuck on a parent's hind teat. today i can quietly say i am grateful for my recovery and i will do what i can to live a program, instead of telling everyone how well i know i am doing the program. yes walking the talk is what this is all about for me today.

∞ DT ∞