Blog entry for:

to humility and keeps me aware that my recovery is a gift, one that i earned through decades of active addiction and maintain by actively applying the spiritual principles in my life, nevertheless, it is still a gift. unlike some of my peers, i do not fall all over myself praising the source of the gift of my recovery, nor do i live in a world where everything is driven by a HIGHER POWER. i do acknowledge that my recovery came from somewhere else, because i know, was back when, there was no freaking way, i was ever going to live a life of abstinence for any longer than it took for em to free myself clutches of the legal system. and yet, here i sit, many moons later, still abstinent and actually quite pleased to have some sort of life, as a result of being clean. generally this is where i would go into all the effort and work i do, to live a program of ACTIVE recovery, but i have covered that topic with more than enough words in the past, that i am quite sure it si evident to even the most casual reader, that i BELIEVE it is my efforts that help foster my journey on this recovery path. the fact of he matter is, i express my gratitude for the gift of recovery through action, rather than just talking about it. i do know this though, my clean-time is genuine and i do not have to walk around pretending i have years when i barely have a month clean. hearing what i hear and knowing what i know about my peers, some of the time i just want to say that SPICE and KRATOM are drugs and IF one has partaken of them, one is NOT clean, even if they do not show up on “sobriety monitoring.”
sorry about that tangent into a place i really do not need to go. the fact of the matter is, i know trying to appear more than i actually am, in fact the insanity of the stories i have told myself forever, almost boil down to attempting to impress by looking like i am more. that life-long battle in which i have daily skirmishes and periodic “battle royales,” is dominating my recovery these days. i keep coming back to time when i was six or seven, when i first told myself that my truth was not good enough for public consumption and needed to be ampped up a bit. the reaction i received to that tiny little stretch of imagination, set the course for what i am today and seems to be what the focus of this set of steps, seems to be settling on. i was a risk taker from the very start and trying to get away with something as seemingly innocuous as a fictitious addition to my life experience seemed to fill two needs, risk and getting more attention. from that sprig of a fib, my active addiction grew, until what i was and what i wanted to be, were no longer anywhere close to reconcilable. when i used that very first time, i felt, for the first time in a decade whole and okay with who i was, as well as high. there was the solution to all my problems and the root of all evil for the next twenty-five years.
this morning? well i can accept that the gift of recovery is something i cherish. i acknowledge that i cannot stay clean without the influence of a POWER to fuel my recovery. i may be entitled to my chair in the rooms of recovery, BUT i have to work to keep it, recovery, IMHO, does not come to me on a silver platter to be sampled at my whim. the work i do today, sets the tone for my life tomorrow, and today, it certainly is a good day to be clean as well as live an ACTIVE program of recovery to the best of my ability. i have the tools necessary to address where i fall short today and find the means to do a bit better tomorrow, if i choose to be honest. i can, as always, revert back to my previous form and do my best to talk the talk even though i have no intention of letting anyone know that i will not walk the walk. after all, it is not about how i feel, it is about how i look and i can look marvelous, absolutely marvelous!

∞ DT ∞