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and grandiosity, two states of being, i am quite familiar with, as they are derived directly from one or more of my defects of character. that being said, i can also swing the other way, and pretend that this recovery gig was given to me, like manna from heaven, that i did nothing, accomplished nothing and just arrived at this state and i had to do absolutely nothing, save stay clean. just for today. that is just another manifestation of pride and hubris, as i am sharing a state of false humility. as the reading suggests, the ideal state is certainly somewhere in between, it anonymous, selfless humility. the truth is that i DID the work, to build upon the opportunity to live a life in recovery, and i continue to do the work to this day. i have the desire to stay clean, and more importantly i have the desire to continue my growth in recovery. i may not work steps with the fervor i once had, but i work the nevertheless. i maintain an attitude of strict anonymity with those in the world outside of my recovery fellowship, not because i am afraid of being found out, or a desire to be praised for my efforts. no anonymity is my foil against living in pride and i was more than a little upset at myself, when five years ago, i broke that anonymity with my extended family on social media. i was certainly PROUD of having 15 years clean, and that pride spilled over into an announcement, for which i received many sentiments of praise. i have to admit, it did feel “good” at first, after a bit, it became more than a bit embarrassing. lesson learned, at least for me, was that staying anonymous, is the best course of action.
this weekend, i am dealing with a whole lot of change. after cleaning up a financial mess, i was finally willing to pout myself and my significant other through the refinance mill. we came out pretty well, and one of the results of that process, was we are getting new flooring, starting on Tuesday. i am just shy of a harder and i have an accumulation of ten years of “stuff” in my office that needs to be dealt with, before the carpet can be ripped up and the hardwood laminate installed. needless to say, i have been dreading this all weekend and have done everything i could to avoid getting this task rolling. well this little bit of mind dumperey, is my last excuse before i start rolling, and i am nearly done with this as well. change sucks, even when i initiate it and it is for the better. maybe a quick trip to the store before i really get rolling…
and then again, maybe not. lightening my load, is certainly a good thing for me to do today, and i am more than grateful about the circumstances that are allowing me to do so. so off into my anxiety and decision-making process i go, and honestly it will be the low-hanging fruit that i go for first. it is a good day to be clean and even a better one to eliminate some of the stuff i have so firmly grasped for far too long

∞ DT ∞