Blog entry for:

feel the need to justify my existence nor to rely on the approval of others to feel good about myself. after decades of being who i was not, for the most part, it is certainly weirdly comforting to no longer care what others think of who i am. do not get me wrong, i still enjoy a compliment or three, now that i no longer need to deflect and minimize them. that last bit about accepting compliments and praise, is part of my growing awareness of who and what i am and the minimization of my reliance on external stuff to validate me as a person who desires to be part of society.
sitting this morning, i was less disturbed by stuff i have been doing or watching as i sat and i got to be part of the void for most of my twenty minute session. i am grateful for mornings like this, as it allows me the freedom to truly “feel” a connection to something greater than myself, that is not in my own head. as i got up to microwave my breakfast, what came to me was a sense of well-being, in just being myself. i have spent the past few days, seeking to impose my will on all sorts of things and have suffered the consequences of doing so. nothing as dire as in the “bad old days,” but bad enough to show up on my TENTH STEP. i know today that i am allowed to have ideas, crack jokes and yes make decisions that may affect others, but in doing so, i have to be sensitive to their needs and desires. i may even have to <GASP> push my own down a bit to participate in the society i so long craved to be a part of, as myself. when i no longer live like some sort of island fortress, i have to allow others to see me for who i am and whether or not they accept that person, is, as my sponsor has said more than once, none of my bidness. i can live in that space today and just for today, i will allow myself to do so.

∞ DT ∞