Blog entry for:

is a by-product of living a life in active recovery. i see it as another word for a principle that my spiritual path emphasizes time and again: balance, between the yin and the yang. knowing what is my doing and what is the doing of the POWER that fuels my recovery, certainly fits that bill to a “T.” one of the my “issues” with the twelve steps recovery programs i have been exposed to, is that on the surface they seem to go on and on about what one “gets” from external sources, diminishing the effort of one's own effort. it also seems to me that there is this notion that EGO, is at the root of all evil and needs to be smashed down, sometimes with extreme prejudice, to fit into the world. i can say for many years i bought into both of these notions, even though what the literature says is that self-obsession is the root of addiction. while it is true that excessive pride, grandiosity and conceit have caused many problems in my life and were quite out of hand when i arrived, diminishing myself, fed into the notion that i was broken. my misinterpretation led to many of the issues i faced for decades in recovery and now that a bit of the fog has lifted i no longer see that humility means being “less than” i am. as i stay clean, i see that much of what i believed in the early days, was not the message i was given and that what i lacked was balance between taking credit and giving credit where it was due.
this morning, in my home group, i heard many views on what may be, as my peers shared about anonymity and walking a path of recovery in the “real” world. as they shared, i heard the message that i missed all those days ago, specifically that being without name does not mean without self. my journey to finding this balance seems to be well underway and the POWER that fuels my recovery has certainly been prodding my to see this for myself, through the events in my life and the various flashes on insight i seem to be having on a continual basis. the whole acting to please and being considerate is just one more example of my journey towards finding that balance.
not sure what more i need to write this afternoon except to express my gratitude to seeing a peer who left the program years ago, show-up this morning and share where they have been. their experience may not have been pretty, but it does illustrate what the path down that rabbit hole may have in store for me, should i decide to exercise that option. i am grateful that i got to see them and welcome them to my home group and it is my sincerest wish that they find what they need and desire now that they have returned to the “fold.” with that i think i will go back to the top and find a bit of balance in my afternoon, as i take care of myself and find the ways and means to stay off of my work computer for the next few days. it is after all, part of the balance i seek just for today.

∞ DT ∞