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i have to admit it, when my peers say they **like** or **dislike** a reading, it drives me bonkers! i am not quite sure what they are trying to express, as it has been quite a bit of time since i did that. instead, when i consider the reading and the ideas it generates within me, the terms like and dislike, mean to me that i agree or disagree with what i heard. when i disagree with a reading, it is often because what i “heard” stirred strong feelings, that i do not find enjoyable. so when i say i “like” this reading this morning, it means i agree with everything it says, because it is addressed to someone else, as i am…
the truth is public acclaim is something i seek out, sometimes in extremis, but only in the fellowship of my peers. in the rest of the world, i treat my recovery as if it were a heinous felony i committed and want to keep from ever being exposed. life in my world is no bed of roses, especially when it comes to balancing recovery with life on the “outs.” as a result of this effort, i often hide my own light under a bushel, when i feel that i have been too outspoken about what i have been given and the effort and energy i put in to getting it. it is true that this is a “we” program, but “we” do not write my FOURTH STEP, take my daily personal inventory and certainly “we” do not concede to my innermost self that i am powerless over addiction that i need a POWER that fuels my recovery.
this morning, what popped off the stack, after i got through with my little tirade, is that i have been given the means to live a life that is beyond what i thought was possible. that life is the result of this “we” program and the effort i put into making this “we” program my way of life. i have the ability to CHOOSE today, to live better than i ever did, physically, emotionally and certainly spiritually. i do not speak of my “kindness” or good deeds,. because in my mind, it cheapens what i did with no expectation of reward or public acclaim. i serve my fellowship as a member and peer, rather than a “defender of the faith.” i have come to a place of equality with my peers, where once i had to demonstrate how much “better” i was, because i felt so much less than they were. the driving story behind those feelings of being inadequate, was that i was “sentenced” to recovery, instead of “choosing” to be here. that lie is exposed under the light that i am still here, long after my “sentence” has been served. that lie has kept me from being whole or genuine and less than approving of who i am and how i live my life. i refuse to serve that dish of sh!t to myself any more.
on that cheery note, i will serve up a heaping helping of some steps with the dawg and see how this day goes. it is a good day to remember that it is not “how” i got here that matters. what matters, is why i stay and i stay because i find the consequences of staying to be agreeable to the person i am today.

∞ DT ∞