Blog entry for:

self-deception and rationalization. yup, that is what i have been and certainly can be today. as i was driving to work yesterday, i tripped upon a disturbing fact, namely that part of what i was feeling was disgust at myself for being so petty about money. in my recent resentment list, two of them are about people who seem to take advantage of me financially neither is taking food from my mouth, but both seem to feel as if they are entitled to skate away on their fiduciary responsibilities, no matter how minor they may. i am sure both have a wonderful set of rationalizations and justifications, but neither can get much traction with me. neither seem bothered, and as i nurse this grudge into a full-blown resentment, i am finding more and more evidence of what terrible people they happen to be, spinning them down into the rat hole of time to “x” them from my life, one way or another. pretty drastic action over a few ducats, i admit, and while i could through in a rationalization or a juicy justification here, whet i heard this morning, is that this is my problem, not theirs.
here is where the new level of honesty comes in. it is me who is building the case, gathering the evidence and looking for a way out, the easier softer way, because if i can build an ironclad case against them, anything i do is totally okay, after all…
my self-centered, self-obsession is at work here and it is me deceiving myself, resisting what i honestly know and casting motives on the behaviors of others. it could be that they are just self-absorbed, narcissistic shits, or just human beings trying to get by with what they have. when i get into this state, not wanting to look at and accept my shite, i work on all sorts of ways and means to degrade, demean and denigrate, the object of what is causing to feel less than spiritual, be it a person, a place an institution or an idea. ironically i hear my own words coming back to me, as i reflect on what i told a struggling addict yesterday, namely what they do is not relevant. sure it may sting and i may have feelings over whatever they did, but in the long run, obsessing about how someone did me wrong, only fVcks me up, not too much different than shitting my pants.
honestly and i use that in the most ironic sense, this whole digging deep within myself process, at times feels like i get cheated out of having a very good reason to treat someone else like the pile of crap i see them as, especially when all around me, continue to fill the in details, which support my contention. where the hypocrisy lies in my world, is pretending that there is nothing wrong, that everything is okay and pasting a smile on my face and in my voice, when i really want to put my fist down their gullet, metaphorically speaking. what is it that keeps me from doing so? realizing that i am not a hypocrite when i CHOOSE to act in a manner than is different than what i am feeling. i do have a spiritual principle or two in my life and traveling down the path of character assassination and shunning someone over something as petty as money, is not indicative of the person i want to be. sure maybe if it was $50,000 or more, i might have just cause, but it is nowhere even close, so it falls to me to find the means to become honest with myself about what is really going on. the way i see it is this, for me what i feel is a justified resentment keeps me from looking at what is really going on with me, namely that i have not progressed as far as i would have liked to, i can still count my shekels and decide i still need more. i want to flash my material well being publicly with great fanfare and screw you if you think i might owe you something. i want something for nothing and am willing to blithely ignore the fact i am not contributing to the group effort.
all of that and so much more, ran through my head, when i stopped and listened to what was going on inside of me. the darkness of self-obsession has overshadowed the light of selflessness and i have been out of balance. it is up to me to find the path back to the center of that whole, and it will not come from anything outside of me. no person, no thing, no faint praise or no pat on the back, will nudge me back to the center. i have to stop and listen to what is going on and decide that if , just for today i want to be a petty shitty person, or do i want to be something more.

∞ DT ∞