โ in the resulting stillness, i must listen for truth. โ
Posted: Thu, Jun 21, 2007 02:02:56 PM
when i become silent, self-honesty will be there for me to find.
what this reading seems to imply is that unless i work an active eleventh step i will not be able to find the self-honesty i need to continue my recovery. so here is one of those loopholes for me to dive through. all i have to do is stop actively working step eleven and i can return to self-deceit. coolio, julio! not only will the truth about myself not set me free, i can actively pursue the means for spinning a web of lies about myself.
and while all of that is very good, the actual truth is that web of lies would eventually take me to the place where i would no longer care to choose to stay clean another day. that is a place i am not overly fond of arriving at any day soon. i take a bit of exception with the eleventh step being the heart of self-honesty. looking at and letting go of my past in steps four through nine, set the stage for step eleven. working those steps allowed me for the first time since i started using to see me for who i really was. was is the operative word here that man, as revealed in my very first cycle of twelve steps is no longer around. what is left is a new person, who is overcoming the ravages of his active addiction. i am far from perfect, and yet i am better than i was six months ago, or even ninety days ago. things are progressing and among the lies that i tell myself, or rather the part of me i call my disease, is that i will never be anything more than the shell of the person who entered recovery all those days ago. the eleventh step helps dispel that silly notion. after all, that person did not have a clue what a spiritual principle was nor did he care. all he wanted to do, was to do whatever it took to get high in that moment. sort of ironic about how in active addiction i lived in the moment, fix to fix, BUT always obsessing about how to get more. well the moment i live in today allows for beauty, plans, dreams and goals. so back to the my slightly frustrating day, and in a moment of self-honesty i am glad to be meeting with my sponsor this evening to further the step process.
what this reading seems to imply is that unless i work an active eleventh step i will not be able to find the self-honesty i need to continue my recovery. so here is one of those loopholes for me to dive through. all i have to do is stop actively working step eleven and i can return to self-deceit. coolio, julio! not only will the truth about myself not set me free, i can actively pursue the means for spinning a web of lies about myself.
and while all of that is very good, the actual truth is that web of lies would eventually take me to the place where i would no longer care to choose to stay clean another day. that is a place i am not overly fond of arriving at any day soon. i take a bit of exception with the eleventh step being the heart of self-honesty. looking at and letting go of my past in steps four through nine, set the stage for step eleven. working those steps allowed me for the first time since i started using to see me for who i really was. was is the operative word here that man, as revealed in my very first cycle of twelve steps is no longer around. what is left is a new person, who is overcoming the ravages of his active addiction. i am far from perfect, and yet i am better than i was six months ago, or even ninety days ago. things are progressing and among the lies that i tell myself, or rather the part of me i call my disease, is that i will never be anything more than the shell of the person who entered recovery all those days ago. the eleventh step helps dispel that silly notion. after all, that person did not have a clue what a spiritual principle was nor did he care. all he wanted to do, was to do whatever it took to get high in that moment. sort of ironic about how in active addiction i lived in the moment, fix to fix, BUT always obsessing about how to get more. well the moment i live in today allows for beauty, plans, dreams and goals. so back to the my slightly frustrating day, and in a moment of self-honesty i am glad to be meeting with my sponsor this evening to further the step process.
∞ DT ∞