Blog entry for:

an expert at self-deception and rationalization, as is being evidenced in my current step work.
3thirty plus years, is a long time to hold on to something, and as i move from resentments to feelings in my FOURTH STEP, i am struck by how stuck i have been. i am almost resentful at myself, for not dealing with all of this five, ten, hell even fifteen years ago, as i worked through the steps in past. i could be, but when i start to go there, i hear the words my sponse said just two days ago, i was ready to face this, now and at no time in the past, or else i would have faced these issues then and been on to different issues today. living in the denial and avoidance of these issues for as long as i have, must have had some sort of pay-off for me. what that pay-off is, is not really important, what is important today, is that i, as the reading suggests, avoid the traps of self-deception and face head on, all that i need to face today.
which reminds me, i have a quick task to take care of. BRB…
okay, that being done, i understand what the reading was speaking about and the irony of it was that the reading speaks to listening for the quiet voice inside, during the meditation part of my daily ELEVENTH STEP. well that quiet voice inside, is being drowned out by the creams of the part of me that bi call addiction. that part wants me stop what i am doing and pay attention to it and only it. it tells me that i cannot handle the truth in any way, shape or form, so STOP DIGGING RIGHT NOW! it tells me that IF i follow the suggestion of the program and finish a thorough 4th STEP with an equally open and honest 5th, that i will be destroyed in the fire of self-immolation, caused by the unleashing of feelings, attitudes and memories that were long-buried and should remain hidden and unattainable. it tells me that the HOPE and FAITH that i am demonstrating by moving forward, bit by bit, every night, will not be rewarded.in fact, this process will destroy me. what i hear when i can get past those wails, is the calm reassurance, that now is the time, to look at this stuff, discuss with a trusted friend and mentor and put it into the context of who i am, thus removing all the power of this particular part of my life. that quiet voice assures me that the POWER that fuels my recovery has me back, and i can get through this, with my sanity intact.
so honestly, i do not like being in the blender of feelings and attitudes that is currently my life in recovery. i am never certain what will come out in the end, but at least today, i am certain that i will be more than likely pleased with the results in the long-run. it is the short-run that i have to deal with and just for today, no new bright and shiny thing is on the horizon.

∞ DT ∞