Blog entry for:

all I have to do is stop lying! and yet, the person i lie to the most, even after a day or two clean is myself. yes the reading goes on to say the cure of for this, is living the steps, especially the ELEVENTH STEP, but getting to that point is the crux of the problem.
i see it all the time in the behaviors of my peers, and as i am well aware, if i see something in someone else, it means it is present in me as well. what is it that i see? not flat out lying, but rather sophisticated spins of the ugly truth into sweetly stanky sophistry. if i am not having sex with every person i am attracted to, i must be doing better, so i can chat up and flirt with that ex-lover who is doing their best to support a child and significant other, after all, we are not sleeping together. the lie here, is in the exact same vein (pun intended) as the lies i told myself to justify and rationalize my using. it focuses on what i am not doing, instead of what i am. just as quitting was what it was all about in those early days, stopping a behavior or limiting it, by sheer self-will, does not make me a better person. only when i accepted the second disturbing realization,, that i was RESPONSIBLE, did i actually move forward into a life of active recovery.
the same holds true today. only when i own that i am acting in a manner that is not who i want to be, no matter how it makes me look, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAKING THOSE CHOICES, CAN I START TO MOVE ON TO BEING SOMEONE BETTER.
that better man, has to run and get rolling this morning. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to own that yes, i do lie to myself, all i have to do is stop spinning the truth into something that looks attractive to me.

∞ DT ∞