Blog entry for:

all i have to do is stop lying. the devil, as one may hear is in the details. i really meant to write this several hours ago, before getting into this day of vacation, but one thing lead to another so here i sit at dinner time contemplating honesty. so as i sit here, waiting for the afternoon shower to pass, i am struck by this once again. for me, telling lies because i was not very good at telling bald face lies, i adjusted my behavior to learn how to lie by omission. provide just enough of the truth to leave the impression i wished to leave. the beauty of this method was that i could rationalize away my dishonesty by telling myself that i did tell the truth after all, so what was the harm?
well that lie, that there was no harm, was meant to protect me from myself. even though i thought i was beyond the recriminations of conscience, underneath my cool calm exterior, i was still a moral person, who suffered each time i violated that moral code, such as it was in the long run. so when i come to these readings about honesty, i can go in several directions, what i came down to today was dealing with the terms rationalizations and justifications. i have come to understand that for me, those two words mean LIES, pure and simple, when i use those terms, i am telling myself a lie, to protect myself from myself. there is a lie in that too. i no longer need to protect myself, my fragile ego, or my limited self-esteem, by telling lies yo myself. there is however a certain comfort in that behavior, i know that, but i also know that comfortable as it is, i can choose to do so or not. so as i return to my family, i will sign off with this thought, just for today, i do not need to lie to myself to feel better, it is better to suffer the slings and arrows of the pain of a bit of honesty than having to clean-up the damage of my lies to myself and others. so back to vacation and chillaxing!

∞ DT ∞