Blog entry for:

okay, i finally get to sit down and type this out.
it has been a full morning, this bright and sunny solstice day, and the reading was speaking about levels of honesty, beyond the cash register and what i say to other people. it is quite true, that these days, as has been the case most of my life, the only person i can lie to, successfully and consistently is myself. as hard as i try, i have far too many tells, when it comes to lying to others and as a result i modified the truth selectively telling what i wanted. to allow an impression of something to be accepted by someone else. in this manner, i COULD tell myself, that after all is said and done i DID tell the truth. using a lie to address whatever conscience i had left, or as was the case in early recovery, the pangs of a rebounding consistence. that is not by any means the only lie i ever told myself, and came to believe, and although an inventory of those lies here might provide some sort of voyeuristic look at who i am, i am disinclined to participate in that today, after all, if you have been reading me for any length of time, you know that IT IS ALL ABOUT HOW I LOOK!
one class of lies i did tell myself, that are germane to my topic today, is the nature of my desire to use. over and over again, i told myself i could handle whatever it was that i happened to take. just once in my long and checkered using career did i ever consider that i liked something too much and that substance MIGHT become a problem, and actually choose not to do that again. that substance in combination with my favorite is one reservation i still hold and i could not guarantee that if given a situation to try out that combination, that i would be able to summon enough help to resist using. oops, there i go, telling on myself again, and perhaps it is fitting as i have a sponsee on STEP ONE, who is writing about his reservations, those that led to his last use, and the ones he still harbors today. i know it is only when i name and explore my reservations do i get power over them, as someone else now knows what is going on inside the 1500 or so cubic centimeters inside my skull. reservations, such as they are, are not the only lies i still tell msyelf. among the others is that i am not any better than i was the day i walked into the rooms, and that i am incapable of being trusted, because when push comes to shove, i will do whatever i need to do, to save my own bacon. those are lies i would like to believe, as they would provide evidence that this whole gig is not working and i could return to a life where daily use was par for the course, including the sue of my reservation combination. it all ties together so neatly, it is frightening. amazing how far i can get, once i start down that path.
today, however, i choose to live in the light of active recovery and allow those lies to be exposed for the myths they are. the preponderance of the evidence is that i am quite a bit better than i was, and i am capable of being trusted, after all, how many men have shared their deepest, darkest secrets with me and have yet to have their trust betrayed? so although i am still sick, i am getting better and the truth this morning is it is time to head out for an aerobic workout only, secure in the knowledge that, that happens to be the next right thing for me to do.

∞ DT ∞