Blog entry for:

i first must stop lying to myself. well DUH! some days are just like that, the real answer is the simplest and most direct. after all IF i have to rationalize or justify anything, than more than likely i am doing something wrong and working a a big juicy lie, to make myself feel better. that is correct i just said rationalizations and justifications are LIES! i actually have no problem with that, and i am a master of deceiving myself through language.
it seems the direction that many in the fellowship seem to be taking is to soften the message with platitudes and little affirmations designed to protect themselves from the harsh reality that is life. i get that as well, as that was how i lived in active addiction and that is how i wanted to live when i finally got clean and stayed clean. even in early recovery i did not have any DESIRE to face the truth about myself, and as long as i could maintain at least one little fantasy about who i was and was not, well i was good to go. the members who were present when i walked in the doors, were not so kind. they quickly and brutally stripped me of my cloak of dishonesty. they told in no uncertain terms that IF i wanted what they had, i HAD to do what they did. honestly, i did not want what they had, but was here to comply with the justice system, but i did not want to go to prison, so i sort of did what they did and as a result finally arrived at the place where i did want what they had. learning to see through the lies i told myself to assuage my nearly nonexistent self-esteem, was one of the cruelest times in my recovery, but it came and went, and i am better off for it. the analogy of removing a band-aid certainly fits here and i have come to believe that protecting the men i sponsor and those who ask me my opinion from the web of their self-deception, is certainly more cruel than telling them what it is. those who were here did me a favor, by being less kind and gentle, but maybe i was just a hard case and needed to be clobbered with the reality of what life is really all about.
what i take out of this today, is that i need to be certain i can do what i say i can do, and most importantly just do it. which right here and right now, is to head on over to work. TTFN

∞ DT ∞