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just not lying, really is not that difficult to achieve, if i exclude myself from the population to which i tell lies. the problem for me anyhow, is that over the years, those lies became part of my story and those stories continue to plague my reality today. the big one, in my world anyhow, was that i could settle for less than the best and be happy, knowing i chose to stop working for more. that lie shielded my fragile ego from the disappointment of striving for more, but getting less. it was convenient, soothing and became part and parcel of who i am today. i hear similar stories from my peers on a daily basis, and their actions and attitudes frame how i face the stories that i catch myself telling myself.
the reading speaks directly to this issue, but in my book, misses a HUGE point, namely that what once were “little white lies” i told myself., about myself, became defining characteristics in who i was before starting this recovery journey. they also became roadblocks to the personality change that is the result of living this program. why should i allow myself to change, when i can tell myself that this is the way GOD made me, GOD does not make mistakes, hence i must be the way i am supposed to be? the sophistry in that lie is both cunning and insidious and i can see myself buying into that argument without any hesitation as it feeds the story about settling for good enough. i get my ego shielded from who i am not and get to act like the total sh*t i am, because of a GOD given mandate. very nice work when i can get it.
what is someone like supposed to do, when all of those lies feel “real?” that is where the steps come in and guidance from my peers and my sponsor. as i sat in the meeting last night, with a group of men who may or may not have the desire to stop using, i came to the realization, that sometimes,behind those locked doors, i hear more than i think i do. as i drove home, i was struck by a feeling of serene contentment. of course, i dove in and tried to analyze what in was feeling and what may be the root cause and realized that it was something i shared that struck a chord with me. what i shared is that my employer respects me, values the work i do and prepare me to exceed the arbitrary standards my job description sets. that same notion plays well in my recovery. not using, no matter what, is just the baseline and it is my choice whether or not i get anything more. if i believe i was “sicker than my peers” or “i stopped using too late,” i get to be okay, acting the way i always have acted. i feed that lie that has become my story and get to stay stuck. today i do not have the desire to stay stuck and i will listen for the stories that keep me in that place and prevent me from achieving everything i have always wanted to achieve.

∞ DT ∞