Blog entry for:

of honesty was not something i signed up for, when i first got clean, all i wanted was a respite from the consequences my **bad** behaviors had unleashed upon me. in those first eighteen months of abstinence, i still did my best to keep my **real** intentions under the radar of my family members, the justice system and most importantly my peers. “fronting” recovery was something i became skilled at, or at least i thought so. when i take a honest look at those days, whether or not i was fooling anyone else, is unimportant. the sad fact of life, was that i was doing an excellent job at fooling myself. i did not wake up that fateful day in New Jersey, with an overwhelming desire to become honest. what i did see, was that the time had come to either pout up or shut-up, as i NEEDED something different. what that “something different” ended-up being, was a life based on the FREEDOM from active addiction.
for years, i have looked on that period of my recovery process as some sort of curse, and it colors my impressions of those who walk into the rooms and are “struck clean.” this morning, as i sat, i am starting to see it as a blessing, instead. my intransigence led me to a place where i could to come to grips with what i really was and the direction my life was headed. it was my first deep-dive into a new level of honesty and more importantly a spiritual; awakening that has lasted to this day.
i could go on about my journey to the level of honesty i have found myself on today, but i choose not to. this morning, at the end of a week fraught with more than one instance of having to alter my routine, to match reality, i get a sense of relief. as ironic and weird as it sounds, my routine is not something i need to protect at all costs. my slavish adherence to that routine, while commendable, was the cause of all my angst and discomfort this week. i was not present for what i was feeling and i fought against having to “scrape by” with the everything “up for grabs.” i did not miss a work-out and although my meeting attendance was more than a little slack, i stayed clean, i stayed sane and i did not run for the nearest purveyor of something that would take my imagined pain away.
what i feel this morning is a sense of purpose to my life, even if i do not know what that purpose may be. i feel that i am worth changing stuff up, so i can get everything i want to do, done. i feel that the time has come to let go of what i may think is the proper course of action and alter the direction any given day is going, by considering why i do something and why the order is so fVcking important to me. as i prepare to hit the streets and get some miles in, i can allow myself the FREEDOM to be a bit grateful for what i do have and to practice a bit of empathy for those who are not getting what they feel entitled to, just for today.

∞ DT ∞