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solidarity with my fellow members, or as i prefer to call them, my peers in recovery, is a topic laced with regret and irony for me. as i sat this morning, what kept coming up, when the thoughts of what i had to get done before Friday morning were dismissed, was how i saw the fellowship as a meritocracy based on clean time. it took me more than a minute to see that although staying clean was important and long stretches of uninterrupted clean time was certainly cause for celebration, there was no social stature attached to clean time, at least in the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. those i sponsor and those who have sponsored me are the equals and peers with whom i share my recovery, PERIOD!
one of the things that irks me the most about my peers, is when they attempt to sound “all-inclusive” by using the pronouns “we” and “us” for “I” and “me.” i know that my peers who engage in this form of sharing, probably do so with good intentions, nevertheless, i feel stereotyped and shoved into some sort of box that they have defined as the a “model of a recovering addict.” my task is to take what they say, change the pronouns to reflect that they are speaking about themselves and that their experience is not necessarily mine. is certainly is my problem and =not theirs, no matter how strongly i want to say shut the fVck up and share about yourself and not about addicts in recovery in general.
i can also say that the regret i feel when i dive into this topic is that it took me so long to see those who were in the rooms with as my peers and as a valuable resource for the ,experience, strength and hope i lacked. it certainly was not their fault, as i was far from ready to be a part of and did all that i could to disqualify myself. perhaps it is that regret that drive my zeal for recovery these days and my desire to foster my connections with those same peers i once disparaged with extreme prejudice. i can admit today, that i was wrong and that as a member who has a minute clean, i take great pains to welcome even the most violently reluctant addicts into the manner of living that allows me to be free from active addiction, just for today. clean time is important and i will never dismiss anyone who celebrates their clean time. just for today, however, is how i live and i am grateful that i have no further expectation, as that would certainly make finding a little something, something, quiet attractive. for this addict, that is more than a bit dangerous.

∞ DT ∞