Blog entry for:

intolerable, when i pause, take a breath and see a bit of the humor in the situation. throughout my life i have been constantly accused of being far too serious. with that assessment i cannot disagree, living under the lie of not being “good enough,” created a life where i could not make a mistake and if i did, i had to find someone or something on which to blame it. see what you made me do was one of my favorite go to line and i used it as often as possible. getting clean via the justice system did little to improve my spirits and i believed i was the victim of a very cruel joke. it took a very long minute in recovery until i could learn to laugh at my foibles and the little pieces of sh!t that life tossed my way. eve today, however, i can descend into the morose pit of self-pity, buy taking everything as a personal insult.
as i sat in the void this morning, and it really was to void, i felt all sorts of stuff bubbling up from the depths. the first thing i noticed was a desire to handler my life a tad better. it is not as if i am off the rails, but i do feel a bit aimless after Kilimanjaro. it is as if, i have nothing to work towards these days and i feel a bit empty. i am concerned that i will not be ready for my two days of hiking in early July, but what keeps coming up, when i go down that path, is how did i do on my walk today? the answer was on “hitch” in my knew as i transitioned from uphill to down, which has not happened in quite a while. i do not like doubting my physical self and readiness, but after the descent from the top of Africa, i am no longer as confident in my physical fitness as i once was.
the second thing that bubbled up to the surface was a bit of anger towards the solar installers, not getting the final inspection and net meter install scheduled. i am pretty sure it is not their job, but the person with that job, seems to be dropping the ball. it is a holiday today, so i know nothing can get done by the city government workers, so i sit and wait, once again. i am not a patient person and this is causing me to lose my sense of humor. see what they made me do 🤭! 🤣 oh, i will survive and in the long run, i know the project will be completed, i just want to turn on my power and let it start rolling the meter backwards.
all in all, i can be okay today, life will be life and i have a bit of work to complete, before my contractor furlough the first week in July. that too, is more than a bit upsetting, but that too is something i can survive. life in my skin may not be a laugh riot these days, but it certainly is not a river of tears either. i guess i will move into this t-day and see what i can get done and if i stumble or fall, literally or figuratively, look for the humor of the situation.

∞ DT ∞