Blog entry for:

my own unique way, thanks to the FREEDOM allowed me in the fellowship that is my home. i am grateful this morning that some time during my 5TH year clean, i did not decide that using was a good idea. as sad as it makes me, to see anyone go out, some affect me more than others and today on the 5TH anniversary of a friend's clean date, once upon a time, i am saddened to see this date come and go and they are nowhere to be found. that is part of the curse of having “significant” clean time, addicts come and addicts go. some stay clean, and others, well who knows, i am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. as i sat reading the literature with an addict yesterday, i asked them directly, how did the fellowship fail them? needless to say, they were a bit awestruck by my question and took more than a few minutes to answer. my intent was not disrespect, or to make light of their predicament, but to get some insight on how i, as an individual addict, could help carry the message to those on the margins.
this notion has plagued me for quite some time. the basic question seems to come down to: how could i, as closed-minded, biased and unwilling as i was, end up sticking around after my major consequence was removed? what was it that kept me coming back and coming back clean? what was the message i GOT, that allowed me to “get” this? i am clueless today, about that answer as i was on the day i made the decision to become a member and stop being a tourist. this reading takes me back time and again, to revisit that decision in particular, as i wonder HOW i can give the gift of FREEDOM from active addiction to those who are just walking in.
i have often said, that i am not one that swarms to the newest of the new, but where i carry the message is in places where it is seldom heard. i have an obligation to repay those who were here, way back when, who said who knows what and brought me into this fellowship with no strings attached. was i judged as i dipped my toe in the recovery pool, refusing to commit? more than likely and more than once i was ready to walk away, because i THOUGHT i was being judged far too harshly. the fact of the matter is, even if i was being judged, not one addict in those rooms, ever came out and said ”go away and come back when you are serious!” i was never told that i had to pee in a cup to “prove” i was clean, by my peers in recovery, they took me at my word, even when that word was a fVcking lie. today those lessons echo down through the days, and i sent a text to the addict who could have had five years clean today. i do not know if they realize what day it is, or if they will respond, but it really does not matter, my job was to let them know that someone still cares for them and wants to help them in their recovery.
so round two of snow removal before the North wind whips up six foot drifts behind my house. it is a good day to be clean and remember my peers, who are no longer around, just for today.

∞ DT ∞