Blog entry for:

at least in my mind is to recover and carry a message of HOPE to those who are still suffering. as hard as i have tried to conform and find uniformity in the fellowship that is giving a new manner of living, i find myself rebelling against what i see as the “norms.” i know what is think are the norms or the “party line” is just my interpretation of what my peers are saying and spinning what they are sharing to fit a narrative that includes marching lock-step into the fray. when i find myself in this state, i often actually pause and ask myself, why is it that i want to demonize my peers and lionize myself as the true and noble bearer of the “message.”
i know that most of my peers see the newcomers as their target, and tailor their shares for them specifically. they have no agenda playing out and they believe that is where they can do the most good. for me, that sort of behavior feels patronizing and patently false and i choose to offer a message that time does not “cure” addiction and the return to a state of greater emotional stability is not a guarantee. my often cynical take on recovery serves s a foil to those who walk around with their heads in the heady clouds of “advanced” recovery and my earthy take on what my life looks like after a few says clean, is meant to present a realistic look at living life on its own terms. i often wonder what my peers who seem to shout out their gratitude at every opportunity are actually covering up, and hiding. yeah i am still a sick pup from time to time.
getting back to the topic at hand perhaps sharing that it is not all rainbows and daisies after some time clean is not the way to go either, maybe, just maybe, i need to take a cue from my peers and carry a bit more HOPE about what my life looks like today, instead of dwelling on what many of my peers call the “negative.” i now i often see a darker side of living in active recovery and that darkness may be a bit off-putting.b it seems to serve me well, except when it does not. wearing that mantle of darkness like a suit of armor, keeps the newest of the new for my doorway, but does it actually convey the message i really want to be presenting. certainly an interesting bit of thought for my commute this morning and IF i get a clue or two i will certainly share it with you all, when i return to this exercise, after all, perhaps you too, are tiring of the gloom as well.

Joel H,
Congrats on two years clean.
I, for one, am glad you stuck around, visual aids and all!

∞ DT ∞