Blog entry for:

this is a question i have asked time and again in my recovery. that question goes to all sorts of different aspects of the recovery process, and always boils down to wanting a definitive answer to questions that are at best, less than easy to answer. sure i can tell you why the sky is blue, or that radar, light and x-rays are all electromagnetic radiation, differentiated by their frequency and wavelengths. when it comes to a question such as have i had a spiritual awakening, i stumble, mumble and often talk “around” the answer, hiding what may be the answer in an avalanche of semantically barely relevant nonsense. this morning i am determined to get to the point and leave the rest of the grunge behind.
i have been sharing lately, at least when i do share, that i had a tectonic shift in my spiritual path, as a result of my last step cycle. that awakening was more of a “letting go” rather than seeing a new direction. i finally arrived at a place that allowed me the FREEDOM to embrace what i had been “feeling” for what seems like forever. my FEAR, probably since i came to recovery, was that if i looked outside of the norm for a spiritual path that fit me, i would become terminally unique and find the ways and means to disqualify myself form recovery. it would not be my peers that “kicked” me out, it would be me, because now of the “wedge” that i could create. after all, if my spiritual path did not align with their's, then what else needs to be re-evaluated and pitched into the bit bucket. it is true, i did go there and peek at what it might mean now that i am mostly out of a mainstream spiritual path, where i ended up was that i am home in a fellowship that has given me the ABSOLUTE freedom to find my own path. the easier softer way, is to accept and embrace what the majority of my peers happen to embrace, and that was my path for most of my recovery. that denial of who i was, kept me sicker than i needed to be, for far longer than i need to be. that is, however, what was and when one considers where i am today, more than likely the only path to reach the awakening i had. for me, it never seems the easier or softer way is the way my recovery ends up “flowing.”
switching gears, i had my test yesterday and promptly fired up my $0.79 fix. it actually cost $0.97, was not the right size or shape and was far from satisfying. today, the desire to have another, bigger and better smoke, is not upon me. my little “experiment” in feeding the addict within, was far from a success. what i “hear” this morning, however, is that for the experiment to have true and valid results, i “NEED” to sit down and have the whole social situation with good company and a decent cigar, just as i did on my “cheat day.” i can see that cheat days will soon become my new norm as i will convince myself, time and again, that for one reason or another that was an invalid test and that it needs to be repeated until once again i am smoking every single day.
i may be powerless over my addiction, that is a no-brainer, that does not mean i have to surrender to it, by feeding it. that is an awakening of sorts, in and of itself and one that i may allow to drive my day, today. on that note i think i will slide on over to my home group and drink from the wll of experience that my peers have created, just for today.

∞ DT ∞