Blog entry for:

of the fellowship i find my recovery within, is my lifeline. before i get all happy and grateful on you guys, the truth is for me, this fellowship DID end up being the last house on the block, even though i insisted during the first eighteen months of my recovery, that i could never belong here. the story that one of the men i sponsor tells about finding me sitting alone in an empty meeting room, when he came to the fellowship, is a bit of an exaggeration that i no longer feel compelled to correct, it is what it is. i have always served this fellowship, even before i was a “member” and will continue to do so, not quite as visible as in years past, but consistently committed. for this addict, at least just for today, there is no expectation of someone else “taking my place.”
that was not top of the stack this morning as i sat, but as it was the “topic du jour,” as it were, i dealt with it first. no popping of the top of what is on my mind, is my inability to let go and allow my peers to be the sh*ts they are. my bouts of being self-righteously judgemental are far from a healthy response to how they choose to behave, they are in fact a reaction. feelings of envy and jealousy are fine, what i do with those feelings, at least in their latest incarnation are not, in my not so humble opinion. i certainly thought i was “better” than that. where that drives me, is down the path of what am i missing in my daily program of active recovery. the answer is step work. i have known that for a bit of time and still resist, even after having to swallow the crap that my favorite tourist shoveled out the last time she showed up at a meeting. of all the people that could possibly offer pertinent feedback on the THIRD STEP, she was possibly the worst, as what she parroted back was a mash-up of clichés, slogans and bumper stickers. what i was asking for was insight based on Experience, Strength and Hope, so once again my expectations went unfulfilled and i walked away dissatisfied. i guess that as i tell the men i sponsor, i NEED to ask for exactly what i want and not play the passive-aggressive game of getting someone to give me that, without me asking.
anyhow, it is a good day to be clean. it is a good day to be solidly ensconced in a fellowship that supports my lifestyle and it is a good day to let go of all those premeditated resentments and be okay with asking for what i want. it is also a good day to be forgiving, as it is costing far too much to be clinging to this sh*t, i am after all BETTER THAT THAT, just for today.

∞ DT ∞