โฃ through service that i begin โฃ
Posted: Wed, Feb 13, 2013 07:45:23 AM
to get in touch with some of my more pressing defects of character.
in the past, this kind of new insight allowed me to beat myself severely about the head and shoulders. after all, how could i have been so blind to thew terrible person i still am? how could i have bullied and manipulated my way to forcing my will on the assembly of others, who were there to help carry the message? this litany of sins, could continue as infinitum, but i am certain that i have made my point. the point being, that knowledge is not always power for me, or at least not the kind of power that is healthy for me.
today, when the trail of tears starts, i have the ability to see it for what it is: just another symptom of how addiction is still active within me. that trail, at least for me, will end in a withdrawal from service, so i can minimize the harm i am doing. a withdrawal from the fellowship, so i can stop the virulent infection that is me. finally, when all is said and done, getting high, just one time, because maybe i am not&hellip. then pride and ego, will take over and who knows where i may end-up. i do know that the end of that road is not a place i want to be, for i doubt i will have the grace to shuffle off this mortal coil, on my first use.
yes, today, i see all of that for what it is, nevertheless, that does not stop me from looking at my behavior, and evaluating the good, the bad and the indifferent, against the objective measure of the spiritual principles that i have been taught in recovery. the further away from the ideal, the worse the behavior is, and yes based on that measure, i can see the relative goodness of how i am acting, as when i am close to the ideal, there is very little harm and damage created by my walk through the lives of others.
anyhow, i want to get to work on the early side this morning, so i can get some stuff accomplished before the demo this afternoon. with that thought i mind, i will do my best to walk through today, with the spiritual principles i have learned in mind, and perhaps when i hit my inventory tonight, i will see that yes, in the overall scheme of things, it was a good day to be clean.
in the past, this kind of new insight allowed me to beat myself severely about the head and shoulders. after all, how could i have been so blind to thew terrible person i still am? how could i have bullied and manipulated my way to forcing my will on the assembly of others, who were there to help carry the message? this litany of sins, could continue as infinitum, but i am certain that i have made my point. the point being, that knowledge is not always power for me, or at least not the kind of power that is healthy for me.
today, when the trail of tears starts, i have the ability to see it for what it is: just another symptom of how addiction is still active within me. that trail, at least for me, will end in a withdrawal from service, so i can minimize the harm i am doing. a withdrawal from the fellowship, so i can stop the virulent infection that is me. finally, when all is said and done, getting high, just one time, because maybe i am not&hellip. then pride and ego, will take over and who knows where i may end-up. i do know that the end of that road is not a place i want to be, for i doubt i will have the grace to shuffle off this mortal coil, on my first use.
yes, today, i see all of that for what it is, nevertheless, that does not stop me from looking at my behavior, and evaluating the good, the bad and the indifferent, against the objective measure of the spiritual principles that i have been taught in recovery. the further away from the ideal, the worse the behavior is, and yes based on that measure, i can see the relative goodness of how i am acting, as when i am close to the ideal, there is very little harm and damage created by my walk through the lives of others.
anyhow, i want to get to work on the early side this morning, so i can get some stuff accomplished before the demo this afternoon. with that thought i mind, i will do my best to walk through today, with the spiritual principles i have learned in mind, and perhaps when i hit my inventory tonight, i will see that yes, in the overall scheme of things, it was a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞